I had my first three children in four years. Not necessarily my plan, but it was God's, obviously. We wanted four total , my husband and I , something we talked about before marriage. Four was the ideal number for us, we agreed. A true and whole family for us was a picture with four children at our table, on our vacations, under the Christmas tree.
But after the third was born , I was not so sure. Three was ideal, and sometimes not ideal at all. I had only two hands, two legs, and one brain. Or sometimes half a brain, frazzled by 10 a.m.
When the third was three, however, I began wanting the fourth baby. I was ready .Almost eager.
I thought it would be easy. It wasn't. I had two miscarriages three years apart without explanation. I was so afraid. After the first one, I was bitter toward God and didn't speak to HIm respectfully or lovingly for nine whole months. How dare he take from me what I wanted so badly., and good thing at that.
In his kindness, he led me to repentance and I asked forgiveness for my bitterness and ingratitude and demanding heart. I had truly forgotten that children are a gift from God, His reward, not MY reward for being a good and true mom of three.
When I was finally 11 weeks along with the fourth ,I was terrified. I knew one person who would understand my fears and my temptation to be bitter if I lost again. My friend Diane, the one laying now near death. She had had six miscarriages, some in her third trimester. I called her one night, 12 years ago, and confessed that I had read "all" the books, the articles, talked to my doctor, took the medications to sustain pregnancies, was not exerting myself and avoiding paint fumes, but still I feared losing this baby .
She said, "Zo, you've read a lot of words and while there's nothing wrong with reading all you can about this, only Jesus has the words of eternal life. Where else can you go? It's what Peter said. Where else can I go? Only You have the words of eternal life. " She encouraged me to simply read God's Word. No matter what happened, it is true. It has the words of the eternal life.