Thursday, February 16, 2012

I Didn't Go AWOL; Hodgepodge Brevity

So I thought I was just going to take a break and come back here Tuesday, but my laptop is nearly kaput and we need to back it up and not use it until that happens, or else risk losing a lot.

I've been reading facebook and blogs (and commenting a teeny bit) on the little tablet we have, but it's kind of a pain, and I can't post on Blogger with it. Probably a good thing. I have had a huge lot on my proverbial plate this week, both logistically and emotionally. When I'm on overload all I want to do is escape to sleep, blog, read, eat, run (as in away). Sometimes I pray, but why is it that all I can sometimes muster is "Help, Lord!"? And why is it just sometimes -- a last resort when I have at my disposal more than I could ever ask for or even imagine, since my God is exceedingly and abundantly able to supply all I need?

I have been concerned, not in a funny way, about my memory. I am not recalling some of the simplest things. I'm forgetting what I said to whom and am always asking, "Did I tell you this already?" because I know how annoying it is to hear the same old story from someone who just loves to talk. Or I remember an event or a conversation in a way that no one else remembers it, so I'm wrong. I try not to take it personally when it feels like the people in the right are ganging up on me, but it feels like I'm acquiescing and aging at the same time (giving up control and losing control at the same time). It's one more way the Lord is showing me my mortality and His omniscient sovereignty. I should probably take a class to get my brain working harder, to force it to engage like a muscle.

Emotionally the cancer diagnosis hit me hard yesterday. The call from my sister-in-law came just before a big combo party I was hosting for my mom's 70th, Joel's 10th, and Sarah's graduation/new job combo celebration. My brother-in-law has a long road ahead in fighting melanoma. And those in the fight with him feel rather inept, especially from a distance. My husband also received word from his doctor that his lungs are hyperinflated, which is an early sign of COPD. Are you kidding me?
Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease? Isn't that a smoker's disease? My man is a runner and has never smoked! How can it be? Well, I am praying that it isn't so, that the pulmonologist will say it was merely bronchitis that swelled his lungs. I will deny and deny and deny until I hear it from two sources. Or three. Or fourteen hundred. That's how I am.

Okay, I'm at the library and promised my son I'd be off at 4:30. It is 4:30, so I'll keep my word.

Anybody want me to answer this week's Hodgepodge late?


Marti said...

Just love to hear from you late or not. Will say prayers for bil and hubby for their health.

Lea also known as "CiCi" said...

Zoanna, I think that you are suffering from overload and that can definitely affect you mentally. I'll be praying for you in the days ahead that you will feel His peace surround you and for the health issues surrounding your brother in law and husband. Blessings my friend! Hugs!

Laurie said...

Oh Zoanna! How true that "when it rains, it pours"! And no doubt about it, aging and acquiescing merge! Oh I pray that the "control" we give up or lose (if we ever had control!) would rest in a simple trust and desire for God's omniscient and loving sovereignty!
The "breath prayer" that says "Help Lord" is sometimes the only thing and the best thing. We ask for help, leave it with God and wait for Him to prime and engage our brains as He attends our requests! (Thankfully He answers according to His mercy, NOT according to our brain power!) You do have a full plate which may cue your brain to go on OVERLOAD! There is only so much we can think, do, hold together and remember! "Help Lord" is a great prayer! Be patient and gentle with yourself, dear sister in the Lord. "Cast all your cares on Him. He loves you!"

This prayer that has helped me at a time when “Help Lord” seems to be all I can muster:
"O Lord God, in Whom we live, and move, and have our being, open our eyes that we may behold Thy Fatherly presence ever about us. Draw our hearts to Thee with the power of Thy love. Teach us to be anxious for nothing, and when we have done what Thou hast given us to do, help us, O God our Saviour, to leave the issue to Thy wisdom. Take from us all doubt and mistrust. Lift our thoughts up to Thee in heaven, and make us to know that all things are possible to us through Thy Son our Redeemer. Amen." Bishop Westcott

PS Hodgepodge is fun, but even that fun takes brain power! Sometimes the power used tends toward positively priming the brain and other times it uses too much precious energy! If it's the prime you need, go for it! If it's too much- skip it!

Susan Kane said...

You have been in my prayers. So sorry to learn about the extent of your brother-in-law's melanoma. And your husband's COPD. My mother was a smoker, developed COPD. That title means more than 'smoker's disease'. It can also be bronchitis and asthma. Don't give up hope. God is a Healer.

Joyce said...

I don't know if it makes you feel any better but I've had similar anxiety about my memory which has always been sharp as a tack and recently is dull. I blame menopause to a big degree.

Keeping you in my prayers.