Bitter and Sweet in the Hodgepodge

Once more, Joyce has given us seven questions to ponder and answer. Click the cute button above if you don't know what I'm talking about. And please join in; we love company. 

1. What's the first image that comes to mind when you hear the word 'spring'? Which phrase

 best describes the season of spring where you live right now (today)-sprung! almost there, 

or still waiting?

First image that comes to my mind when I hear the word "spring" would be robins, then crocuses, daffodils, and tulips, in that order.   But daffodils make my mind "spring back" (not forward!) to the day I gave birth to my first child.  In a couple weeks, he will be 27 years old.

Where we live, I do believe that spring sprang yesterday. Even though there are still patches of snow everywhere, the birds are declaring that spring has arrived. 

2. Bed, couch, stapler, garage door, computer mouse, recliner, flashlight, door knob...which

 household item containing springs most needs replacing in your home? Speaking of 

springs...did you ever own a Slinky?

Garage door needs replacing.  Yes, I owned a Slinky. I remember watching it 

crawl down our long, wooden staircase in the parsonage when I was 9 years 

old. Very cool toy. 

3. March is Women's History Month. Share a favorite quote by a woman.

This woman and I share a birthday: 

4. What's a question that looms large in your mind right now?

The question that looms largest is so close to my heart that I can't even write it in on paper, let alone here on the internet.  

So I'll give you the one that's looming large but doesn't choke me up.  "What can I be doing to love Jesus more?"

5. Are you a sugar freak? By that I mean how much do you love sugar? With all 

the bad press sugar gets these days, have you made any efforts to reduce the 

amount of sugar you consume?

I am definitely a sugar freak and have made no real efforts lately to reduce my intake. 



6. Would you rather have less work to do or more work you enjoy doing?

The latter.  Vocationally I would gladly take on more tutoring students.  I love teaching.  Avocationally, I have enough quilts in my head to keep me busy till I die. 

7. Ever been to Texas? Of the top ten Texas tourist attractions which would you most like to 

see-The Alamo, The San Antonio River Walk, The State Capital, Dallas World Aquarium,

 Padre Island National Seashore, Houston Space Center, Schlitterbahn Waterpark in New 

Braunfels, Six Flags Fiesta Texas,  Moody Gardens, or Galveston Island?

As a matter of fact, my older sister lives in New Braunfels, so I have been to Texas. Unfortunately, the week we were there in September of 1999, I was having my second miscarriage, so my memories are all bittersweet. I have been to most of those places, and all are associated with both beauty and loss. The Alamo--I couldn't concentrate on the placards; I was holding back tears. The River Walk? Beautiful, but I had to stop often to rest. Padre Island was good for my soul--to be near the God who loved me even though He was taking my baby back to Himself before I was ready.  Six Flags? Umm, I mostly sat while waiting for Paul and the kids to ride the rides. We went to Schlitterbahn and that was somewhat of a good distraction to me, but there were babies and strollers everywhere; that was hard.   To tell you how time flies, my nephew is now a lifeguard at Schlitterbahn in the summer. 

Sorry to get all melancholy on you, but this is where the Hodgepodge sometimes takes us when we least expect it, right? 

8.  Insert your own random thought here.

As I'm writing this, it's Tuesday, March 10th.  My first son, Ben,  and daughter-in-law, Deirdra,  have been married three years today.   Gosh, three years. Seems like three months ago that I was blogging about their wedding.   

 They have a sweet marriage; we are the richer for having Deirdra in our family. 

Question of Ethics and Beauty

Is it okay to cut a bouquet of lilacs from the bush that's owned by your next door neighbor if said lilacs are hanging a good 2-3 feet over the fence into your yard?

I love the smell. It's intoxicating and takes me back to third grade when I lived in Kansas. I used to ride my bike through the alley of sand from my house to Barb's, stopping on the way to inhale Mrs. Fair's wonderful lilacs.

The last thing I want to do is even hint that the neighbor's overhanging lilacs bother me. Quite the opposite.

I know the answer to my question: When they get home, ask to take a few lilacs. They'll probably say, "Take all you want!" I just don't want to wait till 7:00 for them to get home!!! I want those lilacs in my house now!

It's a Have-to

Bipolar disorder is such an ugly thing. I think I have it. From the research I've done, it certainly points to such a diagnosis. From my life experiences, ditto. In the doctor's office yesterday, while I was waiting for her to see me, I was reading a poster that lists the differences between depression and bipolar. The main difference is that depression only has "one pole," so to speak. South. Low.Down. Bipolar has the 2 opposite extremes, North and South, mania and depression, high and low.

The doctor came in and gave all good reports, as I said in my last post. Then she asked me how the medicine is.

"It's been a real grace from God," I said. "Sometimes I try to go off of it when I'm feeling good and stable, but Day one I am headachey and lethargic, Day 2 I am irritable and short-tempered, and my Day 3 I am in the dark."

"Don't try to go off it," she advised gently but firmly, with her beautiful deep blue eyes listening along with her eyes. "Stay on it. It's not a want-to, it's a have-to."

I went on medicine for depression 2 years ago, and my life has been amazingly more bearable.
Spring used to bottom me out emotionally. I hated Mother's Day. Didn't like the daughter I was or the mother I was. I still don't like the day because it smacks of all the things I'm doing wrong, but I have to quickly catch that Satan loves Mother's Day. He loves to taunt, accuse, lie, badger, and condemn us. Very little comfort from the pulpit penetrates my breaking heart. Nothing kind my kids can say on that day makes up for the times I've failed them. The appreciation I expect is just that: expected, so if I don't get it, I fall into self-pity . I start rehashing my laundry list of what they should thank me for, which absolutely includes the laundry!!!

So I am in that pre-Mother's Day cycle where bipolar takes an ugly turn. I have the hardest time forgiving others in the spring. Hard time handling stress. Feeling alone. You'd think it'd be Christmas, but no, it's not. It's April. It's May. It's when everything is blooming but my heart . When the ground outside is opening up, but the ground of my feelings gets crustier.

The doctor asked how the medicine is working. It's a very low dose daily that I take. I'm seldom high, but seldom low either .Except today. I am low today. Not as low as I used to be pre-med ,but like I just want to curl up into fetal position in a dark room and shut out the world and all its ugliness. The trouble is I can't bury my heart of darkness. Can't shut out the feelings of guilt, shame, can't make myself do better, try harder. When I'm in the manic phase, I am very talkative (personality on overload) ,hospitable, party girl, initiator of lots of stuff, coordinator/take charge gal, social butterfly, creative in the kitchen, decorator, everything strikes me funny, and I need maybe 4 hours sleep but then I'm ready to roll with all the ideas that have buzzed in my awake time.

However, when I'm going south, I need all the prayers of the saints and Jesus combined. Not only do I not concentrate well or make decisions well, my mind is a mine field. I either feel helpless, hopeless, and ashamed, or volatile, hyperactive, and out of control. Nothing's funny.

Well, my passport just came. That brings me up a little. Someone's praying.

There. I have opened myself up. You may judge me, you may thank me, but one thing's for sure: you can't say I don't realize what a nut case I am! So don't go praising me for all the initiative and hospitality or whatever you like and wish you might have more of, without realizing that God is gracing me with mania sometimes! He also is sustaining me when I just want to return from whence I came.

Morning Dawns

This exquisite view came custom painted to me by
God yesterday morning. Perhaps I can share His gift
with you.