Since I can't find the year-end family poem I wrote (on paper) I'll have to scrap my plan of posting it tonight.Instead, I've been pondering the past year and the grace of God I've seen in my life. Yes, I too often see my character flaws, my weaknesses, my bad habits, my this, and my that, scattered and messy like leaves on the back steps. And too often I'm prone to either feel sorry for myself or to make a list of ways to change or to come up with nothing at all when wondering if I've grown at all spiritually in the past year.
The question was posed at our care group social: "What evidence of grace have you seen in your life this year?" Well, I think I didn't answer it directly, if at all. I think I went on and on about the grace I've seen in my kids' lives (which is a lot) in spite of me. Why didn't I answer such a probing question outright? I think it was because I am reluctant to say such things for fear that it sounds like boasting, or if I start out giving glory to God, I'll say too much about my cooperation with His work and thus end up skewing the message.
So I asked God today to show me all of 2007, not just the recent months that have clouded my memory with negatives. Here is what I've seen more than anything:
I've grown in faith. Specifically...
I have much more faith in God and much less in people. I can't say I have no faith in people because I do. There are some people who can be trusted and counted on more than 50% of the time. Only God is 100% faithful, but certain servants have proven track records that make me say, "Yes, though you have been disappointed and will be again, this person CAN be trusted to care about you."
I have a lot more faith that people want to be generous, not stingy. I used to hate fundraising. Hated it. I didn't mind being asked for support, but I didn't want to do the asking. Somehow I mistook that everyone would feel coerced, manipulated, what have you. But when I took a hard look at needing $6000 for our missions trip to Russia, it was only possible by the generosity of other people (believers and unbelievers alike). God provided every penny needed. All we spent was our own money for souvenirs!
I have more faith as the mother of a young child after seeing what God has done with my older ones. Quite often I hear, "He is such a hard worker," "He's a leader, I really see that in him, " "She is so sweet and thoughtful, so kind and helpful." I see one staying up late immersed in a book by John Owen (a tough read, I think, but he gets through the archaic language). I see another trekking out the door on a cold winter morning to cut down trees and trudge home at 5:30 covered in dirt and grime. It's hard work, not something for wimps. I see another plugging away at statistics and physical science and Honors English, working 20 or so hours on her feet, being thoughtful of her family's needs, and still wanting to babysit whenever she's asked.
I have faith that I will have more opportunities on the foreign mission field. This is not that I romanticize foreign missions over domestic ones--I know intellectually that needs are right here at my back door--but I remember being deeply affected as a small child by the Spirit of God to go to the nations, plural. God gave me a love for foreigners, a love for language, a love for other cultures, and an intense desire to worship the Lord with people in their own countries. My first thought when I'm trying to communicate with someone from another country is not, "I wish they could speak English!" but "I wish I could speak their language!"
I have faith that God will use my patriotism to encourage a few more people in the military. Yes, I do love America best and make no apologies for that. But I love it precisely because I am FREE to worship, free to move about the country, free to say what I want on my blog, free to email whomever I want, free to earn as much money as I want. (Not that money motivates me, it really doesn't. Good causes, yes; money, not too much.)
I have faith that my husband's perpective on the here & now versus the future will dramatically change for the better--functionally--in the near future. He will thrive again, he will hold his head up, he will express the grace he sees in his home. If he doesn't, I will hang a sign on his front and back , tied together with ropes, a sign that says, "My wife has faith for me. My wife has faith for me. My wife has faith for me." Over and over, just like the sentences I used to have to write as a punishment for talking out in class (as if that stopped me).
I have faith that I will really grasp what it means to be forgiven, and what it means to forgive. Just when I think I've learned it, another test comes. I hope to pass these forgiveness tests no matter if they're true/false, multiple choice or take-home!
I have faith that God will revolutionize my doctrine of stewardship. From the inside out, it all belongs to Him. My mind, my body, my money, my gifts and talents, my children, my husband, my friends, my dog, my parents, my fellow believers, my church, my time, my everything. Revolutionize my thinking, God; help me truly believe that everything I have, all that I am , has come from you and deserves to be given right back to You.
I have faith for much more, but will stop here to let this sink into my soul.
Looking back at the picture of scattered leaves, I can view them now as symbols for grace, one on top of another, spread out, piled up, artistic, colorful evidence of God's handiwork. I can rejoice that, though I may be in a winter of soul right now, there has been a beautiful fall and there will be a glorious spring.
What about you? What is ONE area you've seen the most growth/grace in yourself in '07? Don't hesitate to answer. Boast in God! Sure, you've had to cooperate, but boast in God's goodness that you wanted to cooperate, that you persevered, that you are more like Jesus than you were a year ago.
