GratiTuesday #1: Of Medical Care

A local Christian radio station has started "GratiTuesdays" and ask listeners to call in and give thanks for something. I have several things today to mention, which I will simply put in bold letters.

We took two of our sons to Johns Hopkins Hospital for echocardiograms and genetic consultation beginning at 8:30 a.m. and ending at 12:30. (After that we grabbed lunch, tok our eldest down to his college south of Baltimore, came home for a 40-minute nap, after which I took the youngest to piano lessons and then went back down to the college to pick up his brother. Got home at 7.) A long day, but it has made my heart full (no cardiac pun intended--really!). From the moment I stepped foot on the Hopkins campus I felt mixed emotions, all of which were heightened at being there, not simply knowing that America's #1 hospital is only an hour from our home. Hopkins is a world-renowned hospital that treats every disease known to man and studies seemingly every disease man wants to know about! And there we were, being studied by some of the best doctors in the world. It blows my mind, and yet makes me sad that we lost two family members 25 years ago, before recognizing a problem. But mostly I felt grateful, truly grateful, that we have access to top-notch medical care, the insurance to pay for it, and enough medicalese in our vernacular to understand what the doctors are explaining. And enough confidence in those doctors to know that it's okay that we don't understand the details of genes and alleles and other facets of DNA that they dedicate their lives to discovering. Above that, we have confidence in God that this family disorder is completely in His hands and He designed every molecule. Not one maverick molecule escapes His notice.

The youngest son had a meltdown over having to give blood. It was his first experience that he remembered. Talk about drama. Twenty minutes it took his parents, brother, and pediatric nurse to "talk him down from the ledge." He was trembling, "Don't you know if you give too much blood you'll die???!!!! I don't want to give my precious blood!!!" Well, at that display of hysteria, I had to turn my head to stifle a laugh. Finally, the nurse went out and brought back her iPad for him to play with. It had a cool app that he could maneuver with one hand while his dad held his other arm still as the mammoth leech sucked all his precious blood out. I certainly could never be a nurse. I just don't have what it takes. God bless nurses.

Probably the most touching bit of thanks I had was for the chief doctor's unmistakable concern for our family in the event of emergency. I told him I am not confident that our closest ER will be as proactive as they should be, that they might treat "chest pain" the ordinary way. He said, "If you ever feel like anyone is not taking you seriously about this, raise H-e-double toothpicks--" (except he didn't say it quite like that) "--and then call me. Here's my cell phone number." Whoa! I mean, I've only gotten one other doctor's own cell phone number in my life, and that was the Chief of the Field I Needed Other Kind of Help With back in January. I feel so blessed! I am not special, but these doctors make me feel that way when they extend care beyond office visits and hotline numbers.

Gratitude List

My heart is full of gratitude today, and I just feel like shooting off my thanks like a salvo of fireworks on the 4th of July. How about 50, one per state?

1. living in this country, my Home Sweet Home
2. patriotic music, esp. The Star Spangled Banner
3. Old Glory
4. my personal heroes--soldiers who fight or have fought for this country
5. memories of small town American 4th of July events at my grandparents' house

6. my husband's indefatigable work ethic
7. carpet cleaning machine
8. acrylic paint
9. laundry detergent
10. a freshly bathed dog, bathed by my hubby
11. purple petunias

12. my daughter's willingness to serve campers for free for a week
13. the teeny stipend of thanks the camp gave her
14. Good 'n Plenty candy
15. losing 5 pounds in June
16.. buying a size smaller shorts than usual

17. Summer Blast, something like a mix of camp and VBS that our church does
18. nail clippers
19. Egyptian cotton bedsheets
20. waking up at 5:45 a.m. on a holiday with energy to spend
21. air conditioning
22. almost all my flowers and shrubs in bloom the week of our "family reunion"
23. anticipation of a great weekend

24. my Joel's sudden desire to learn to play piano
25. a gifted teen willing to teach him
26. affordable piano lessons forthcoming
27. getting my resume' and cover letter written
28. hope
29. a new reburbished Dyson


30. praying for my hubby's gout to go away, and knowing God hears the prayers
31. iced tea with lemon
32. having had great neighbors for 12 years
33. looking forward to getting to know new neighbors, one of whom is Joel's age and may be
the answer to his prayer for "a part-time younger brother"

34. fresh green beans from the garden
35. watching Joel cook up the beans himself--boil the beans 4 mins then saute' in garlic and butter for 3, then salt and pepper them ....and eat. BEST BEANS EVUH!

36. stopping at Baja Fresh alone at 9 pm one night and running into my parents there, sitting outside and enjoying the weather after their meal, and talking with them another hour while having my meal
37. flip flops
38. finding a deal on a red V-neck shirt for $2.98
39. Sensodyne
40. Stone-textured paint
41. promises from scripture
42. hearing a child confess a sin that he committed two months ago and feeling better after confessing and repenting over it


43. sunshine on my shoulders
44. getting phone calls from my kids
45.. snail mail from anyone, but lately from Steve

46. bug repellant spray
47. baby spinach with sliced strawberries, tossed with my honey/mustard/and salt for dressing
48. a memory foam pillow
49. a back rub to help me breathe better before going to sleep
50. seeing two young girls in my life leave for Zambia within 9 days of each other

Muchos Gracias Monday: The Big 8

I just felt like being somewhat original instead of "Multitude Monday." (Since I borrow prompts all the time.)

My spirits have been lifted quite a bit since my last post. God brought many smiles my way in the form of people, places, and things. The big 8 highlights of the weekend:

1. Saturday: Steve's girlfriend's mom, Cheryl, told him that she wanted to come over for a visit on Sunday to meet me, and wanted to know what she could bring me or do for me? I was so excited to have a visitor, so honored that someone wanted to come meet me in my weak condition. Normally I want to be the "up and doing" hostess when I meet someone for the first time! But I have learned to let that desire go, for the greater good.

2. I wanted to go to church mostly to be at Jimmy's ordination, but I wasn't up to it physically yet. (Parking lots, steps, crowds bumping, standing, sitting.) But I sure did want to see or hear from someone from church, specifically a pastor or pastor's wife. What are the chances of that on a Sunday morning when you're at home? Well, with God all things are possible. Marilyn called at 9:15 a.m. to see how I was doing and to pray with me over the phone. Blessed my mismatched socks off!

3. Had the stamina to take a shower, do some reading, tidy up a bit (having to just let some things on the floor stay there cuz too much bending is counterproductive to healing). But I felt a tiny sense of accomplishment!

4. After church Cheryl called and introduced herself and said she wanted to do whatever I wanted to do special. What was it ? I said, "See the outside world and drive through Dunkins for coffee! Is that okay?" (Because I was sorely, emphasis on sorely, tempted to drive myself!) Just having someone ask, "What special thing can I do for you?" means so much to a "shut-in" whose got a lot of dream-time on her hands.

5. Stephen led me by the arm to the car. Despite my jeans, sweatshirt, and snow boots, I felt like I was in a wedding. Cheryl said, "Steve is always such a gentleman." I love hearing that. Ben's girlfriend's mom says the same about Ben, and it does my heart good.

Steve and Ambrey filed into the back of Cheryl's Toyota, and off we went. Trees down everywhere from the snowstorms. (Sarah had said, "They're down left and right," and Paul quipped, "No, just on the left." And he calls ME corny!)

6. Cheesecake! Cheryl not only brought the car, but she had been on Facebook, secretly stalking me (as Ambrey calls it) and brought over a Cheesecake Factory plain, NY style cheesecake to have with our coffee, tea, and hot chocolate.

7 . A reacher. Have you see the reacher? Cheryl's forte is occupational therapy, and so it's no wonder she brought such a practical gift. I can now pick up that fallen bracelet, that piece of lettuce that dropped off the counter, the lightweight plastic cup from a high shelf, the candle lighter. That is, if I can wrench it away from Joel who saw it as a cool gun. It doesn't help to have a reacher in the basement when I'm on the first level, now does it?

8. Good conversation with plenty of laughs. We sat at the table, loving our cheesecake and hot drinks, chit-chatting away about skydiving, insurance, golden retrievers (Cheryl's family has one named Holly), scrapbooking, mission trip fundraiser ideas, allergies, and Chick Fil-A employee etiquette. (Employees are trained to say "My pleasure" instead of "You're welcome" or anything else like that.) Well, Steve told the story of how, when he was new there, he handed two gay guys their order. The guys said "thanks" and Steve replied, "You're--my pleasure."

Gratitude while Suffering

The past several weeks have opened my eyes anew to how much I took for granted prior to my own need for major surgery. Among the things I've taken for granted are:

-good health
-24/7 access to medicine and medical care
-level ground
-the ability to pick things up off the floor w/o pain
-being able roll over in bed without pain
-friends
-the stamina to cook anything that requires more than cutting the top off a bag, boiling something, or sauteeing for more than 10 minutes.
-the ability to reach up over my head to get things out of cabinets without straining my abs
-the ability to haul laundry up and down flights of stairs
-the ability to haul my own self up and down a flight of stairs
-my husband's strength and fortitude
-so much more

And in this season of suffering, I have been grateful for many things. For one, the snow we have gotten here in Maryland over the past several weeks has provided both beauty and challenges. I am grateful that:

-I didn't have to drive in snow.
-All my family have gotten to and from home safely.
-Our power has not gone out.
-My sisters in Christ have brought a few meals to us, and more are coming. I so appreciate that, knowing that their lives are full and busy, too. I know it's a sacrifice of love to shop for, make, and take a meal to someone.
-Molly died 12 days before my hospitalization. That gave us time to grieve and start moving on.
(Still grieving, but not sobbing.) *These pictures were taken just a few hours before we had to put her down.

God did not allow us to suffer those two major whammies simultaneously. Molly always chose to lay beside whomever was sick or in pain rather instinctively. I think my level of pain would've made her suffering worse, so God was kind to His critter in that regard.


-flowers. Sarah brought me one bouquet of purple and white daisies, lime crazies (don't know what they're called), and white alstroemeria. Steve's girlfriend, Ambrey, brought me some magenta daisies a couple days later, and she arranged them all beautifully on the kitchen table.
I can't express what flowers do to my heart. I just can't. Some women want chocolate all the time. Me? I want flowers.

So much more I'm grateful for, but I'll close here. I have discovered something in my heart about ready to bloom in the near future. Seed thoughts for now, but I will post as it germinates. The thing I've been learning most is this :gratitude is a choice. If you look, you can always find reasons to be thankful.

A (Spinal) Column of Thanks

*My thanks are highlighted in autumn red. These aren't links, just a quick way to substitute a list.

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Just when you think it's safe to wash your hair in the shower like you've done 20,137 times before, you reach up around to scrub it real well, and then--suddenly--POW! It happens. The spot on the inside of the right shoulder blade, five inches from the base of your neck--the spot that kinda/sorta troubles you on and off and just needs to be popped once in a while--THAT spot decides it's had enough. It decides to take you down and make you wonder, "Now, how am I gonna get dressed when it hurts to raise my arm over my head?"


That was the scenario on Tuesday. But God's grace-- and my overwhelming embarrassment at the thought of going out in public wearing only my birthday suit and some hair clips-- provided me the impetus I needed to fulfill the mission. The mission? Get thee to a chiropractor.

But who? Which one? The one I'd been to in 2000 (when I, the overachiever, had two car accidents in ten months) was no longer taking my new insurance. He hadn't for quite a while, so I just hadn't gone. I had let the problem of degenerative arthritis in my upper spine be treated with home remedies--a back pop once in a while, ibuprofen, exercise (and those in descending order of motivation).

My only choice for obtaining info as I lay moaning in the prone position on the carpeted family room floor, with pain so fierce it took my breath away? Call someone! Kelly! She uses a chiropractor nearby AND I have her number memorized. (I won't tell you that she empathizes by laughing hysterically while you're herniating.) I am a pain in the neck because I am the company I keep!

Anyhow, within the hour, I was at the new chiropractor's office getting x-rays. They confirmed a bulging disc and degenerative arthritis. Thankfully, the degenerating part is localized, not rotting away my entire spine.

So, as I consider all things possible, I am thankful for many things: pain that signals something is really wrong; ways to communicate; transportation; good insurance; ibuprofen, electrical stimulation, massage, chiropractic adjustments, patient kids who give me back-pops in between visits; a flexible schedule; a great bed; the ability to laugh while in pain, and slow improvement which has enabled me to clean a bit more which means I see progress, not just deterioration.

After all, next week we are hosting Thanksgiving and the house needs to get clean. As for my hair, I might not wash it again for a long, long time. It's simply too risky.

Gratitude List: Health Edition 11.8.10

Since I've had health problems for six weeks, this list will consist largely of what I'm thankful for in regard to medicine, hospitals, wellness, doctors, and the like. I feel I should apologize for the "topicalness" of it, and the self-centeredness it could appear to have. But truly, my thanks are toward God, and so I won't apologize, but rather enumerate.

I'm thankful for

1. my womb, the first home my babies ever knew
2. the joy and mystery of human conception
3. the thrill of feeling babies move and dreaming of holding them
4. the grace to go through the sorrow of losing babies
5. OB/GYNs who do what they do , whether specializing in infertility, high risks, or cancer
6. pain, which, in CS Lewis's words 'is God's megaphone"
7. significant blood loss that told me something was really, really wrong with me
8. phlebotomists who can stick me w/o a problem, whether I have 16 oz of water in me or not
9. labs that run necessary tests
10. doctors who respond quickly and compassionately
11. a mom who taught me to question things, not simply accept an authority's word on things that could be dangerous
12. common sense
13. a cousin who came back into my life at this critical time, who happens to be a Nurse Practitioner with myriad health problems herself, and therefore offers practical advice full of understanding from both sides of the bed, so to speak
14. a friend who coordinated meals to be brought to me when I was too weak to think about putting ingredients together, let alone stand and cook --a grace I thought was "reserved" for times when someone's just had a baby, surgery, or a death in the family. Grace is not reserved.
15. vitamins
16. access to first, second, third opinions
17. excellent health insurance
18. not feeling overly claustrophobic during my MRI
19. the opportunity to spend a painful one hour on my back during the MRI. The agony from stiffness in that single position reminded me of Jesus on the cross. My suffering could in no way compare, but it did make me appreciate his, and to be able to say my afflictions are light and momentary.
20. snail mail that encouraged me
21. the food that was brought to us--delicious, iron-rich food. Often the food was things I had been craving (pumpkin pie, salad including boiled eggs and bacon, hot chili on a cold rainy day, Italian anything--my fave comfort food)
22. pain medication
23. heating pad
24. comfy bed
25. clean drinking water
26. the loss of the taste for coffee because coffee inhibits the absorption of iron
27. the beauty of the leaves outside my window
28. humor, the best medicine. When I told my friend Kim that I'd probably be having a hysterectomy, she cheered me with this. "Zo, what was it my mom used to say?... 'The crib will be gone, but the playpen will still be there!'"

Gratitude List

It's been too long since I made one of these gratitude list. I haven't been keeping track in my journal, but here goes one "off the cuff."

1. Rain and all things it provides and provokes: growth for plants, extra body in my hair (read untameable curls!) and my husband's many fine qualities and skills (perseverance, plumbing, and
planning--not to be annoyingly alliterative)
2. Sump pumps and Shop Vacs
3. A new hot water heater and the means to pay for it before it's a crisis
4. Veterinary care to handle the things too gross, too unspeakable for this chick deal with
5. God's watchcare over my doggie, Molly, who had surgery today (one huge tumor on her neck removed plus 9 rotten teeth)
6. Friends and family who care enough to pray for Molly and see how I am doing, too. (Answer: relieved but wondering what her new smile will look like.)
7. A child who loves geography, math, science, reading, art, coin collecting, cats, and the Ravens
9. Homemade applesauce with warm milk atop
10. A new and very good hairdresser
11. 12-grain bread
12. Barb's sandhill plum with jalepeno jelly
13. Learning to make sandhill plum jelly (finally!)
14. People who aren't afraid to speak truth to me
15. Laughing at really low-budget movies with Ben and Dee
16. Hearing stories from Sarah's kindergartners
17. Foot rubs
18. Finding a thread of hope amidst a tapestry of despair
19. Heating pads
20. Protection in myriad forms
21. Newborn sweetness
22. Watching my nephew interact with his newborn son and hearing him tell his wife, "You know you're my hero!"
23. Movable joints
24. Healing of Joel's fractured growth plate
25. Pronto Provencal soup (which I will post if anyone wants it. It's time consuming--ie less "pronto" and more "Provencal" but totally worth the effort.)
26. "Holy Temple Holiness Church of Deliverance, Batman!" and other things that crack me up
27. not seeing any end in sight of blessings to be grateful for

Gratitude List, March 8-14, 2010

Seven times five equals 35. Here are the 35 things I've jotted down this past week that I'm grateful for. I assure you there are plenty that didn't make the list.

1. renewed perspective on servanthood
2. God's protection on Ben when his canoe capsized in the Chesapeake Bay and he had
   to swim back to shore.
   
3. finding free copies of Architectural Digest to send my sister, Rachel
4. my loyal dog
5. morning sun
6. getting much accomplished
7. smooth painting class
8. chance to host a social (which got nixed, but still)
9. meditating on 12 truths from Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets Them Free
10. surviving on a poor night's sleep
11. infectious excitement in class
12. homemade salsa
    
13. Joel's forgiveness when I broke his Lego creation that took hours to build
14. a caring boss
15. wisdom from scripture
16. Paul's kisses
17. seeing the Smith kids' "Tooty Ta" video
18. email saying "I'm praying for you"
19. wise, kind pastors
20. grace to prepare for BizTown, having lost 10 class periods
    
21. Safely driving in rain to and from Owings Mills
22. flexibility
23. excitement in the air at Biz Town
24. students working so hard
25. earning the award of Top Business there
26. sleep
27. signs of spring (robins and yellow crocuses)
28. "down time" shopping alone
29. Sarah's chicken crescent roll-ups
30. playing Battleship with Joel and seeing him win by one move
31. "Draw Near" time at church last night
32. being prayed for
33. Linda S's successful lung transplant
34. surprise flight $$ for Steve to go to Together for the Gospel convention in Louisville
35. God's kindness to give us hope

Gratitude List, Feb. 23-March 7, 2010

I'm a little behind. (Better than being a big behind, right?) So here goes. Giving thanks to God that...


-Paul takes Joel to school every day except Thursday, when Sarah does
-Kelly and Cheryl did some of my laundry and Leanne let us use her washer
-laundromat and the rolled quarters on hand that made it pretty easy
-getting expired gifts card in the mail for my art project
-Sarah made dinner on a night I was tired and unmotivated

-Biz Town interviews/nervous students who were cute
-the boy who rolled my towels with excellence after they were clean
-comfy pillow
-a student saying that "Mrs. Zubrowski prays when she doesn't know what to do"
-hearing my Joel count by 3's with ease

-"hard pressed on every side, but not crushed"
-Pastor Arie's timely appearance just when I needed his counsel on the spot
-grace to deliver disappointing news
-grace to accept that news
-Lawrence's readiness to pray for my stressed, traveling hubby

-hot school lunches
-our church is not therapy-centric
-courage for Zach C as he was deployed to Afghanistan
-courage for Zach's family
-opportunity to pray with a despondent friend while she drove

-creative writers in class
-students who get along
-helpful salespeople in a slow economy
-confirmation about a difficult decision
-Sarah's solo trip to BB's at night, of her own volition

-Kelly's granola recipe (best I ever had)
-means to purchase a new washing machine
-freedom from spiritual debt which I've had for 33 years
-freedom from financial debt which I've had for 1 year
-Stephen's hard work at Youth Advance, of his own volition

-joy of using our new washing machine (pictured above)
-Jimmy's message : "sacrifice should sting"
-seeing Sarah refreshed by her friend Hannah
-opportunities for hospitality
-subsequent opportunities to die to self




-

Gratitude List, Feb 8-14

Alden cookbook
peanut butter cookies (Mrs. Fair's recipe)
the color green
New Orleans Saints' victory in Super Bowl
watching Paul and Joel snuggle

example of commitment to God in Amy Carmichael's life
shovels
safety pins
healthy debate at dinner regarding family size
taker for our old fridge

fresh hash browns a la Paul
power outage for ONLY an hour
firefighters and other emergency personnel
Paul saying "no" to Ben re: snowboarding today
Lean Cuisine Chinese food when I'm in a pinch ("pinch" meaning "craving")

34 sunny degrees
Hot Hands hand warmers
long, hot baths
real Chinese food
prayer that combats fear

boys' safety to and from PA, snowbooarding
wisdom from a fellow teacher
listening to Joel read
baby green salad
pizza delivery

eyelashes
opportunities to bless others
ability to plan
knowing that pain is a barometer of love
"new" fridge from the Smiths

Arie's message on joy
Gary B's compassion
8 years of loving my Valentine baby
cards and chocolate from Paul and my dad
the Smith family

Gratitude List, Jan. 30-Feb 7

God's protection of us on icy roads
free-flowing conversation
Double T time with Bonnie S .
policemen
Easy Grade Pro application

Sarah's cookies
piano lessons long ago
family's commitment to serving church
bread machine
grace to (nearly)memorize Habakkuk 3

motivation
tongue
decent tires
nail clippers
USPS

encouragement of recited scripture
others' forbearance of my mistakes
pre-cooked bacon
ability of body to heal itself
color of eastern sky in the morning

God is one God, my All in All
cheese of all kinds
hot lunch fundraisers
Paul's gift of leading worship
catching a wife winking at her husband in a crowded room

hymns
songs of praise to God
example of Stephen, the first Christian martyr
I can't earn my salvation
never having to return to life or suffer to atone for sins

gasoline
windshield wipers
shock absorbers
books on tape
garage

sense of hearing
safety on slick roads (see a pattern here?)
beautiful snow
undergound power lines
tax return

neighbor who helped us w/ his snowblower
Joel's initiative in shoveling front porch
family working together to dig out
faith worth dying for
childhood memories

Gratitude List, January 15-29

Here's my 5-Thanks-a-Day List for the past two weeks.

ability to breathe easily
fruit smoothies
Haitian relief aid workers
afternoon of playing games
hot showers

scented candles
fluffy towels
ability to organize
soap
freedom to fly the flag

worshiping with other saints
God's rhetorical questions to Job (and me) in Ch. 42
Icy Hot
refreshing sneezes
mental health

Mama's safe return from NM
my parents' love for each other
blue skies
Birds & Blooms magazine
teeth

artistic expression
petroleum products
children's smiles
comfy shoes
God's steadfast love

a day off
pictures
perfume
friendly, not-pushy carpet salesman
our care group

construction papers
printers
a caring school principal
Paul's intelligence
Steve's new boss, a true servant

toilet paper
quiet house in early morning
phone call from a loving friend
promises of God's provision
generosity of fellow believers

BB's grocery store
spontaneous fellowship on Friday night
adrenaline
Steve's safety while snowboarding
gospel-preaching pastors in India

Holy Spirit helping me do a "U-ey"
presentation of Craig's trip to Burma
sign language
college for the kids
people who excel in their gifts

waking up from bad dreams
Mondays are clean slates
pleasure of starting and finishing projects
clocks
adoption, both physical and spiritual

having a veteran's perspective of homeschooling
Squeezable jar of strawberry jam
scarf from Barb
intricate graphic of twigs against sky
DNA

friendship with many people
feeling of getting my hair done
having someone compliment my new "do"
fun-to-carry tote bags
tasting real Belgian chocolate

teaching geography with field trips
Sizzling Bombay restaurant
desire to love people of other cultures
Ben's accounting internship equals 3 credits
Sarah's liking her first 4 days at TU

calming effect of floating tea lights
figurative language in Proverbs 5
sweet, happy chatter of little children
God's mercy on a very sick student
no fear of my own death

Gratitude List, January 8-14

Five Thanks a Day for the past week:

casual days at school
our new mattress
friendship of two Bonnies
popcorn
bright, hardworking students

Mama
Chesapeake Quality Traders
Stephen's passion for the Bible
wonderful night's sleep
pastoral leadership

Paul's & Ben's trip to playoff game
Ruizes' hospitality on game day
Sarah's care for a friend
Kenneth Moresco's encouraging sermon to parents
the sound of wind chimes

pretty, printed envelopes
Pilot Easy-Touch pens, med. pt.
hospitals/ medical community
choice
God's comfort in parenting

having singles' care group here Monday night
small and large appliances
Jesus is my Warrior King
joy of teaching
godly heritage


emergency roadside assistance
the Youngs' baby boy, Joshua
Truth that counters lies
uplifting email from friends
hair clips


plenty of food
fresh water
fuel
medicine
peace with and from God

Gratitude List: January 1-7, 2010

Here are my 5 a Day (5 Thanks, that is--not Fruits and Veggies) from this past week:

New Year

good books

strong immune system

peace about schooling Joel differently next year

Mama's sacrificial care serving Aunt Linda

warmth of sun

faith-building Facebook chats

humor in the littlest things

freshly ironed curtains

healthy children

joy of being invited to someone's house

Sarah's refreshing reunion at NLBC

Stephen's fervor for God

electric blankets

femininity

refreshing time at Ray and Carla's

body heat

pretty jewelry

that our class can go to Biz Town again

friendly employees at Bed, Bath, & Beyond

fun Jeopardy! review game in class today

Paul's fidelity and moral purity

Joel's voice

shrimp alfredo Sarah made tonight of her own volition, from scratch

metaphoric language

public libraries and the means to pay unspeakable fines because...well...never mind

my father's active, scientific mind

reliable transportation

memory

assorted means of communication

the relative ease with which I'm memorizing Habukkuk 3

the Bible

Gratitude List

I'm thankful :

-for my van's heated leather seats and remote-controlled sliding doors
-that my son, Stephen, is at the Campus Initiative Conference in Knoxville. He's always shown...well, initiative...in spiritual development.
-the promise of snow. Deep snow. As in a foot or more of snow.
-that I am told (as opposed to having it suggested) by God to cast all my cares upon Him, for He cares for me (I Pet. 5:8). What part of "all" don't I understand ?
- for the faculty and staff I work with
-that my husband is okay with my wearing his long-sleeved T-shirts since I have none of my own.
-for the girl and her sister who babysat Joel today and did some vacuuming for a tip
(it's always nice to a job taken off one's list)
-for a heat pump, even if ours is more pump than heat
-for a stack of blankets on my sleigh bed
-for the laugh I got at the grocery store. The guy loading my groceries into the van told me a customer asked him earlier if she could return some of her food if it doesn't snow.

Ten Grace Notes

In the past two weekends, I've had four major events that required a lot of energy, organization, and emotion.

Noting the grace I experienced in the midst of the busyness:

1. My younger sister, Andrea, flew in from Arizona to share a belated Thanksgiving and my dad's 75th birthday party.
2. All the arrangements and details went beautifully for those events, including the slide show and trophy cake, both of which he raved about.
3. In spite of my assumptions that left me scrambling for Plan B for my Ladies' Breakfast tablescape, God gave me inspiration.
4. Sarah set my table for me while I taught Friday so that I could be free to spend the brief remaining time with my sister.
5. Andrea wanted to spend one evening out to dinner with just me--and treated me to lobster ravioli. Good ole-fashioned sister talk? Nothin' like it.
6. Stephen didn't let the snow and numbing cold keep him from serving at church by putting 30 tables in the storage shed.
7. The play, written by Emily C, moved my heart yet again, to thank God for choosing me to be His child.
8. Ben and Stephen put their arms around my shoulders to pray for an unbelieving loved one today. That meant a lot.
9. Even though my pastor's wife had a mild heart attack this morning, God spared her life and comforted Jim with reminders of His faithfulness. He also gave Jim the strength to preach this morning, at Daryl's insistence that he go to church and preach his prepared sermon on God's sovereignty.
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10. Watching my daughter plan, set up, host, and take down (with lots of help) her first-ever churchwide baby shower. Her care group leader's wife, Leanne, is expecting in January. This also is the week of finals, and so Sarah hasn't gotten much sleep, yet remains joyful and is so excited to welcome this baby--and to babysit him someday if allowed.

Denise Left a Legacy of Hope

My friend Denise Villani went Home to Jesus a few days ago, after battling cancer. It was her second time around with the fatal disease, but the first time God healed her body with a bone marrow transplant. This time he healed her by transplanting her.

She and I weren't what you'd call close friends for very long, but what I remember is that God brought her onto my path in life's journey when it was rocky and dry, when I had begun to lose hope that God would bless me with another baby. She was that "older woman" that Titus speaks of, one who had wisdom from walking with God longer than I had.

I don't even remember exactly how we met. Besides being in the same church, I don't recall the details. All I know is that I was wanting an older woman in my life on a regular basis who would
pray a lot, share her life, be full of scripture, and have a good sense of humor. I just don't survive long around people who take themselves too seriously or are overly self-conscious or perfectionistic in a way that makes them dull. But when people take God seriously while laughing at themselves, they are utterly winsome to me. Denise was such a person.

My memories take to me two places with Denise. One was the track at Bel Air High School, and the other was my living room floor. At least once a week in the early spring and summer of 2001, she and I would meet at the track to walk while Paul ran and Ben, Sarah, and Stephen played around in the midfield or did their own thing within sight. We were both trying to lose weight (a theme of my life since age 28). Both high achievers, we'd set goals. "Okay, we'll do 8 laps today. Ready?" But no matter how hard we tried to keep a mental record of our laps, we would talk right through the quarter miles. We figured we'd quit when Paul quit and summoned me to the car.

At the time, Denise's two sons, Mike and Gabe, were in high school and oh how she loved them. She so enjoyed them and that gave me hope that teenagers could be lovable. Though she was a single mom and had accompanying hardships, I never once heard her badmouth her ex-husband. Never. Her lack of bitterness was real, not a show for a fellow believer. She had quite obviously forgiven him and refused to let negative feelings rule her. You can't fake that when you're being truthful in every other way.

While we walked, we talked and we prayed. Prayed for our children, our church, our nation, ourselves. I especially remember the fervor with which she prayed for me to conceive. It was as if she'd were the child's own grandmother. Yet, in all her praying and understanding ways, she made sure to ask me about my relationship with God in the midst. Was I going to praise Him regardless of the answer to my prayers or was God only God when He acted according to my wants and wishes?

As I said, Denise joined me in a leg of my spiritual path when it was dry and rocky. I was in the valley of the shadow of death--the deaths of two babies overshadowed all my good impressions of God for awhile, and Satan was accusing me that it was all my fault and that God couldn't be trusted. Depression was hitting hard. Misery loves company, but seldom vice versa. Few are the people who spend hours listening to the perpetual moans of another's spirit, let alone offer to rinse and repeat as necessary. My husband had grown weary of my condition. My children couldn't understand. My dearest friend in Kansas empathized and I talked her ear off, crying, but she was...in Kansas. I needed someone right here. God brought Denise for an intense season. Looking back it seems so selfish; was I doing anything to ease Denise's burdens? I had a heart for single moms, but never did more than pray and listen. Maybe that's what she needed from me?

Denise came over one evening near the end of May and sat on the living room floor. I offered her the comfy chair to sit in, but she preferred to lean against it instead. It was during our conversation that she introduced me to a little book that ministered to me more than any book besides the Bible could have. It's called Beside Still Waters by Charles Spurgeon. She told me that Spurgeon himself had battled severe depression and yet knew how to counsel his own soul in such a way as to bring God glory eventually. No formulas, no twelve-step programs, but by meditating on God's character and Word. To make more of Him and less of me was exactly the counsel I needed. I read the book over and over. My spirit was changing and I was starting to say things like, "Yes, Lord, even if You never bless with a baby again, still I will bless you."

We walked and walked most of the summer. I was slimming down and firming up little by little. She was feeling more vibrant, enjoyed the increased stamina and the lower numbers on the scale. I wasn't looking forward to summer ending. Our walking prayer times had become precious. About a month later, though, at the track, I told her that I'd have to take some time off. I wouldn't be losing weight, I could practically predict it. In fact, it could be a challenge to keep food down. She laughed out loud and hugged me. "You're pregnant!" We danced around. What joy! Seven months later on a day that celebrates love, God placed His answer to my prayers in my arms. We named him Joel which means "The Lord is God."

Denise and I never shared our lives so personally or regularly again, but mine was the richer for that season. What started out as a dark winter in my soul became a golden summer when Denise infused it with hope. That's what made Denise such a wonderful traveling companion. It's what makes any believer in Jesus Christ a terrific "walking partner" in this life. No matter how many times you go around the same track, a good friend won't keep record of it, but instead will hold one of your hands while reminding you of the big, big God Who is holding your other one.

Fankful Friday

Had Paul given me more than three days' notice that he'd be taking off work today, I would have done the same. It was absolutely gorgeous outside, warm and breezy. The kind of day that makes you want to skip school altogether. Joel did get to stay home, but it was because he woke up with a nasty cough and congestion that he got from Stephen.

Since I don't report till noon on Fridays, we used some of the morning to go to Lowe's for flowers and mulch. I should've gone flower hunting earlier this week; what I really wanted were coral colored flowers. They didn't have nearly enough to do the border in front of the house, and Paul hates geraniums--the only other sunloving flower in that color there, so I went to Plan B. (I have had to divert to Plan B so often I call myself Queen B.) I bought coral colored impatiens for the covered porch, since they must be shaded at all times, but I am not wild about them. I'm just wild about the color this year.

As long as I have a garden, it will have purple in it. So I went with sweet williams (dianthus) that have purple centers fringed with white. Hardy for my likes, cheap for Paul's. He just wanted to get on with it. I had to fight ingratitude and stubbornness; picking flowers is such a joy to me, I hate to be rushed and was feeling I have to just settle for something. But God quickly reminded me of last year when there was no extra money for flowers at all. Last year was a lesson in really making do, really waiting patiently during the seemingly colorless interlude between March's crocuses (croci?) and June's salvia. I had to wait for every single perennial to come back, which made me ever the more thankful that God doesn't make us plant everything new every year in order to be surrounded by beauty.

As I climbed into the Jeep after paying for our new petaled friends, I thanked God for giving me a husband who is willing to take the day off work to work hard at home. He does not enjoy yardwork at all, but likes a green lawn and tidy landscaping. Not that ours is ever completely green OR tidy, but we aspire. I thanked God for the money that we're appreciating this year, finally some extra because we are totally debt-free (sans home mortgage) and walking in financial freedom.

A quick weeding of the side garden, then a shower, and then I had to leave for school. I felt a headache coming on as I drove, maybe from the sun or the guilt of leaving the whole job to Paul. There was still more weeding, all the planting, and all the mulching to do. He asked me where to plant the flowers and I said, "along the border," and trusted him with placement.

At school the headache had intensified to the point of near nausea, and kids were extra loud from Friday excitement and the anticipation of taking their geography test. One precious student followed me around the room, telling me about the outstanding grade he just got on a Bible test. He was thanking me for the grade.

"But I don't teach that subject. Why are you thanking me?" I asked.

"Because," he replied, "Mrs. Ruiz grades our punctuation which I used to be really bad at, but because you're such a great grammar teacher, I do really good at it now. "

(Between the pure sweetness and comic irony of his compliment, myheadache almost vanished.)

When I got home from school, my mailbox garden greeted me with lovely purple sweet williams on a wonderful smelling bed of black mulch. Scanning the yard, I beheld all the landscaping was done! Every last flower planted, every weed gone, every garden area heaped up with fragrant chips of bark.

I came into the house to thank Paul, but found him zonked out on the couch, next to Joel, enjoying the late afternoon in silent slumber. I took two ibuprofen and went up to bed. When I awoke two hours later, I hugged Paul tight and said everything looked great. I think the man deserves a medal.

What a Fankful Friday I've had.

"For this is the Will of God...Concerning You" (who grocery shop)

In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

I Thess. 5:18



It was in the grocery store (Aldi, to be exact) that I found myself talking to myself yet again. If you're familiar with this discount food store, you know the pace is quick, the lines are long, and the customers aren't exactly well-off. (Or if they are, they choose to spend their dough on things other than name brand food.)

So there I was, checking out, loading up my mountains of food onto the conveyor belt. (I had been so busy the last 2 weeks of May that I hadn't shopped. I was putting meals together okay, but we had lots of repeats.)

I don't know about you, but I get self-conscious when I'm putting food on the conveyor belt. I feel like I'm being judged. Judged for my food choices, for my abundance (I never go into Aldi for just a few things because it isn't exactly real close to home), for the way I try to organize food as I put it on the belt so that packing up is easier (puh-LEASE, lady, just throw it on there!). Maybe this is all my imagination, but I've judged others so I know that, according to Matthew 7, I've been judged by the same measure.

I try to avoid eye contact when I'm feeling judged.

But this last time I felt the courage to look up at the lady behind me and say with a smile, "I'm almost there." She smiled back and said, "Take your time. I'm in no hurry." Her niceness disarmed me.

I had been telling myself, while feeling nervous and anxious, while arranging all the cold food together, and the canned foods together, "This never ends. Over and over, week after week, year after year, child after child, you've done this same routine. Plan for food, drive for food, make endless choices about food, organize your food, unload the food, pay for the food, load the food, bring the food home, put the food away, cook the food, run out of food, plan for more food, drive...." Twenty-two years of this. I was too nervous to do the math, but I'm sure my grocery trips are in the thousands.

Then it was like God tapped me. "Be thankful," He whispered. And suddenly I started thinking thoughts like, "You're right, God. I am thankful for all the choices. I am thankful for the freshness. I am thankful for the money. I am thankful for the mind to make decisions. I am thankful for the health that I can get out and do this. I am thankful for every mouth I have to feed. I am thankful I enjoy cooking."



Before I knew it, I had swiped my debit card and was standing at the bagging counter...you guessed it, organizing my food again! Sorting it, packing it, pushing it to the van.

Instead of just concentrating on the first part of the verse, "In everything give thanks," I think I'll also remember the last part: "concerning you." When it comes to the humdrum, seemingly endless routines of life, I want to start thinking in the mundane moments that being thankful is being in the will of God concerning me, rather than concerning myself with what others might be thinking of me. Certainly takes the self-consciousness out of the cart and brings the God-consciousness to the conveyor belt.

Reflections on '07: I've Grown in Faith

Since I can't find the year-end family poem I wrote (on paper) I'll have to scrap my plan of posting it tonight.

Instead, I've been pondering the past year and the grace of God I've seen in my life. Yes, I too often see my character flaws, my weaknesses, my bad habits, my this, and my that, scattered and messy like leaves on the back steps. And too often I'm prone to either feel sorry for myself or to make a list of ways to change or to come up with nothing at all when wondering if I've grown at all spiritually in the past year.

The question was posed at our care group social: "What evidence of grace have you seen in your life this year?" Well, I think I didn't answer it directly, if at all. I think I went on and on about the grace I've seen in my kids' lives (which is a lot) in spite of me. Why didn't I answer such a probing question outright? I think it was because I am reluctant to say such things for fear that it sounds like boasting, or if I start out giving glory to God, I'll say too much about my cooperation with His work and thus end up skewing the message.

So I asked God today to show me all of 2007, not just the recent months that have clouded my memory with negatives. Here is what I've seen more than anything:

I've grown in faith. Specifically...

I have much more faith in God and much less in people. I can't say I have no faith in people because I do. There are some people who can be trusted and counted on more than 50% of the time. Only God is 100% faithful, but certain servants have proven track records that make me say, "Yes, though you have been disappointed and will be again, this person CAN be trusted to care about you."

I have a lot more faith that people want to be generous, not stingy. I used to hate fundraising. Hated it. I didn't mind being asked for support, but I didn't want to do the asking. Somehow I mistook that everyone would feel coerced, manipulated, what have you. But when I took a hard look at needing $6000 for our missions trip to Russia, it was only possible by the generosity of other people (believers and unbelievers alike). God provided every penny needed. All we spent was our own money for souvenirs!

I have more faith as the mother of a young child after seeing what God has done with my older ones. Quite often I hear, "He is such a hard worker," "He's a leader, I really see that in him, " "She is so sweet and thoughtful, so kind and helpful." I see one staying up late immersed in a book by John Owen (a tough read, I think, but he gets through the archaic language). I see another trekking out the door on a cold winter morning to cut down trees and trudge home at 5:30 covered in dirt and grime. It's hard work, not something for wimps. I see another plugging away at statistics and physical science and Honors English, working 20 or so hours on her feet, being thoughtful of her family's needs, and still wanting to babysit whenever she's asked.

I have faith that I will have more opportunities on the foreign mission field. This is not that I romanticize foreign missions over domestic ones--I know intellectually that needs are right here at my back door--but I remember being deeply affected as a small child by the Spirit of God to go to the nations, plural. God gave me a love for foreigners, a love for language, a love for other cultures, and an intense desire to worship the Lord with people in their own countries. My first thought when I'm trying to communicate with someone from another country is not, "I wish they could speak English!" but "I wish I could speak their language!"

I have faith that God will use my patriotism to encourage a few more people in the military. Yes, I do love America best and make no apologies for that. But I love it precisely because I am FREE to worship, free to move about the country, free to say what I want on my blog, free to email whomever I want, free to earn as much money as I want. (Not that money motivates me, it really doesn't. Good causes, yes; money, not too much.)

I have faith that my husband's perpective on the here & now versus the future will dramatically change for the better--functionally--in the near future. He will thrive again, he will hold his head up, he will express the grace he sees in his home. If he doesn't, I will hang a sign on his front and back , tied together with ropes, a sign that says, "My wife has faith for me. My wife has faith for me. My wife has faith for me." Over and over, just like the sentences I used to have to write as a punishment for talking out in class (as if that stopped me).

I have faith that I will really grasp what it means to be forgiven, and what it means to forgive. Just when I think I've learned it, another test comes. I hope to pass these forgiveness tests no matter if they're true/false, multiple choice or take-home!

I have faith that God will revolutionize my doctrine of stewardship. From the inside out, it all belongs to Him. My mind, my body, my money, my gifts and talents, my children, my husband, my friends, my dog, my parents, my fellow believers, my church, my time, my everything. Revolutionize my thinking, God; help me truly believe that everything I have, all that I am , has come from you and deserves to be given right back to You.

I have faith for much more, but will stop here to let this sink into my soul.
Looking back at the picture of scattered leaves, I can view them now as symbols for grace, one on top of another, spread out, piled up, artistic, colorful evidence of God's handiwork. I can rejoice that, though I may be in a winter of soul right now, there has been a beautiful fall and there will be a glorious spring.

What about you? What is ONE area you've seen the most growth/grace in yourself in '07? Don't hesitate to answer. Boast in God! Sure, you've had to cooperate, but boast in God's goodness that you wanted to cooperate, that you persevered, that you are more like Jesus than you were a year ago.