Monday, December 31, 2007

Reflections on '07: I've Grown in Faith

Since I can't find the year-end family poem I wrote (on paper) I'll have to scrap my plan of posting it tonight.

Instead, I've been pondering the past year and the grace of God I've seen in my life. Yes, I too often see my character flaws, my weaknesses, my bad habits, my this, and my that, scattered and messy like leaves on the back steps. And too often I'm prone to either feel sorry for myself or to make a list of ways to change or to come up with nothing at all when wondering if I've grown at all spiritually in the past year.

The question was posed at our care group social: "What evidence of grace have you seen in your life this year?" Well, I think I didn't answer it directly, if at all. I think I went on and on about the grace I've seen in my kids' lives (which is a lot) in spite of me. Why didn't I answer such a probing question outright? I think it was because I am reluctant to say such things for fear that it sounds like boasting, or if I start out giving glory to God, I'll say too much about my cooperation with His work and thus end up skewing the message.

So I asked God today to show me all of 2007, not just the recent months that have clouded my memory with negatives. Here is what I've seen more than anything:

I've grown in faith. Specifically...

I have much more faith in God and much less in people. I can't say I have no faith in people because I do. There are some people who can be trusted and counted on more than 50% of the time. Only God is 100% faithful, but certain servants have proven track records that make me say, "Yes, though you have been disappointed and will be again, this person CAN be trusted to care about you."

I have a lot more faith that people want to be generous, not stingy. I used to hate fundraising. Hated it. I didn't mind being asked for support, but I didn't want to do the asking. Somehow I mistook that everyone would feel coerced, manipulated, what have you. But when I took a hard look at needing $6000 for our missions trip to Russia, it was only possible by the generosity of other people (believers and unbelievers alike). God provided every penny needed. All we spent was our own money for souvenirs!

I have more faith as the mother of a young child after seeing what God has done with my older ones. Quite often I hear, "He is such a hard worker," "He's a leader, I really see that in him, " "She is so sweet and thoughtful, so kind and helpful." I see one staying up late immersed in a book by John Owen (a tough read, I think, but he gets through the archaic language). I see another trekking out the door on a cold winter morning to cut down trees and trudge home at 5:30 covered in dirt and grime. It's hard work, not something for wimps. I see another plugging away at statistics and physical science and Honors English, working 20 or so hours on her feet, being thoughtful of her family's needs, and still wanting to babysit whenever she's asked.

I have faith that I will have more opportunities on the foreign mission field. This is not that I romanticize foreign missions over domestic ones--I know intellectually that needs are right here at my back door--but I remember being deeply affected as a small child by the Spirit of God to go to the nations, plural. God gave me a love for foreigners, a love for language, a love for other cultures, and an intense desire to worship the Lord with people in their own countries. My first thought when I'm trying to communicate with someone from another country is not, "I wish they could speak English!" but "I wish I could speak their language!"

I have faith that God will use my patriotism to encourage a few more people in the military. Yes, I do love America best and make no apologies for that. But I love it precisely because I am FREE to worship, free to move about the country, free to say what I want on my blog, free to email whomever I want, free to earn as much money as I want. (Not that money motivates me, it really doesn't. Good causes, yes; money, not too much.)

I have faith that my husband's perpective on the here & now versus the future will dramatically change for the better--functionally--in the near future. He will thrive again, he will hold his head up, he will express the grace he sees in his home. If he doesn't, I will hang a sign on his front and back , tied together with ropes, a sign that says, "My wife has faith for me. My wife has faith for me. My wife has faith for me." Over and over, just like the sentences I used to have to write as a punishment for talking out in class (as if that stopped me).

I have faith that I will really grasp what it means to be forgiven, and what it means to forgive. Just when I think I've learned it, another test comes. I hope to pass these forgiveness tests no matter if they're true/false, multiple choice or take-home!

I have faith that God will revolutionize my doctrine of stewardship. From the inside out, it all belongs to Him. My mind, my body, my money, my gifts and talents, my children, my husband, my friends, my dog, my parents, my fellow believers, my church, my time, my everything. Revolutionize my thinking, God; help me truly believe that everything I have, all that I am , has come from you and deserves to be given right back to You.

I have faith for much more, but will stop here to let this sink into my soul.
Looking back at the picture of scattered leaves, I can view them now as symbols for grace, one on top of another, spread out, piled up, artistic, colorful evidence of God's handiwork. I can rejoice that, though I may be in a winter of soul right now, there has been a beautiful fall and there will be a glorious spring.

What about you? What is ONE area you've seen the most growth/grace in yourself in '07? Don't hesitate to answer. Boast in God! Sure, you've had to cooperate, but boast in God's goodness that you wanted to cooperate, that you persevered, that you are more like Jesus than you were a year ago.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Zoanna, thanks for taking the time to write this. As I see how God has worked in your life this year, it truly brings glory to Him and builds my faith.

I've grown in taking risks for the glory of God. Whether it be packing up and leaving all that I know, or simply trying to find my way to the Borders bookstore in Akron, God is helping me to trust Him in the midst of major discomfort and complete unknown. Obviously there is always room to grow, but He has been so faithful it would be wrong not to acknowledge the serious grace He has generously poured out for growth.

Leanne said...

At our wedding, a couple that are good friends of ours gave us a gift - an anniversary book. Every year, on our anniversary, we take a picture of ourselves to put in the book, and then fill in the "memorable moments" from the past year (which, since our anniversary is 12/26, serves as a "year in review" too). We were just blown away by the grace that God has shown to us this year, even in the midst of way too many trying circumstances. I could choose so many things (and I may e-mail you separately), but for now...

I have faith that God will continue to show Himself at work, in ways that I haven't even been able to fathom yet. If He was able to do what I thought was impossible - build a relationship with one specific coworker centered on God and the gospel - how much more can He do in the coming year?

Anonymous said...

Because I am always seen as righteous in His eyes, I don't think I'm more like Jesus than last year, but I have a better understanding of what He did for me and how I am viewed in His eyes...which has been priceless for me. Also, more reading of His word while praying that God would speak to me instead of always taking what others say as golden.

Anonymous said...

Laurie, you took a big risk, all right!

Leanne, that is amazing what God's done in your coworker's life....I've never heard of any anniversary book, but I like it.

Beth, I realized after I hit "publish" exactly what you mean by always being seen as righteous as Jesus all the time. My bad. I should have said, "How much closer is your communion with Him?" or "In what way are you a better ambassador for Him based on the changes He has wrought in your life?" Always a child of the Father, but not always a good ambassodor of the King is how I think of myself and others. I'll be praying for you to hear God's voice clearly this coming year, and come to crave it.