Tuesday, November 02, 2010


Can I just admit it? Okay, I will. I'm jealous. And discouraged.

Yesterday my friend reminded me she's going to the Bahamas with her husband next week. When she told me a couple months ago, I was thrilled for her. Today I'm jealous.

A few months ago my sister mentioned she was thinking about going to Italy with a co-worker for a week. I was excited for her then. Today when I called her in response to a text about "praying for you at 30,000 feet," which I didn't understand (had forgotten the conversation and we hadn't talked since my birthday) she said she's leaving for Rome this afternoon. I felt jealous.

Another friend is leaving for Africa in a few weeks to minister to orphans for an indefinite amount of time, maybe the rest of her life. While I am not chomping at the bit to do that, I am jealous about the world travel and the chance to make a difference in the life of someone who might actually appreciate it.

This is an ugly feeling. My body is falling apart and I'm letting it dictate my responses. I need help to look up and speak truth to my soul. I am feeling very tired of life right now, eager for change in my body, in my relationships, in the scenery, in the world. I know it's self-pity, not just jealousy. I admit it. I'm just not "on board" with truth right now. I want to be well. I want to be flying. I want to be seeing Rome and the Bahamas. I want to see something besides what I lack. Help me, Jesus. Help me. I can't do it on my own.


Rachel Anne said...

Can I say "Been there, done that?" Except that that would make it sound like I will never be there again...yeah right.

I am praying for you today - that the attack of Satan (that's really what this is) will be thwarted before it goes any further. I am so convicted in my own life of the dark alleys my mind goes down (paralyzing fear and anxiety) and the spiral that ensues, so I know what a battle it is. Hang in there, Zo - you've got trips to take and mountains to climb - maybe not in this season, but I think God put those desires in you for a reason....He will bring it to pass in His time.

You are precious!!

Danielle said...

I can relate. Although we were blessed to have that NYC weekend in the spring, we've not had a vacation in two years. I'd love to have a lazy week by the beach. But, with Josh losing his job and having a baby this year, it's not worked out. Sometimes when I hear about how other couples our age get (often free) vacations with extended family, etc. I can be jealous too. It's definitely an ugly feeling and I try to be grateful on their behalf!

Laurie said...

Grrrr. That jelousy nastiness!!!

Knowing you "can't do it on your own" is KEY!
Confession is KEY!
"Help me, Jesus" is KEY!
Hmmm. You have the keys and God has the fuel!
Go Zo, go!!!
And if the "going" is only in your dreams for now, go and dream! He makes everything beautiful in the time he's alloted for each of us!
And if you want to really SEE your lack and to have your lack filled:

" Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, FIXING OUR EYES ON JESUS, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

Love ya!

Amy said...

praying that God will provide that grace to preach truth to yourself - He is faithful to answer our desperate pleas for help - I know all too well that place of having nothing to pray except "help me, Jesus"!!