A Crushing Sadness

In spirit, I'm flat on my back
and it feels like a
manhole cover is resting
on my chest

crushing me with sadness
but I can't cry because
I can't breathe

people hurting, getting old, older
and suddenly they're gone
and you realize you had so much more
to say to them, to hear from them,
to do with them and for them

and the young people hardly take notice
busy with their friends
their school, their fun times
they can't fathom getting old

like spring that won't come
winter hangs on in my soul
one cold blanket after another
being thrown on top of me as if I
can't feel

words that cut deeply,
people who give up on you
who don't really care enough to ask
about the details
or stick with you when you've vomited your emotional guts
on them,

who needs people who only call when they want something
from you
and keep record of wrongs
who find fault time after time?

I feel like walling myself off now
or getting a one-way ticket to who-knows-where.
Go where I feel welcomed
by people who have deep cares and care deeply
who are genuinely glad to see me
who actually initiate calls and
don't wait to be called,making lame excuses
about being busy, too busy for you, they mean.
people who say you talk too much
so they avoid you altogether


I Want to see heaven, I guess.
This crushing sadness, guilt, and grief
is threatening to swallow me alive.
How I
long for all this ugliness to be gone forever.
Pure communication face-to-face with Jesus.
I will never be told I'm not worth His time.
I will never hear I'm a failure.
I might actually believe I'm beautiful to someone.
I would not fill myself up with emptiness.
How can emptiness weigh so much?