Or call it depression in this case. It happens every year about this time. When most people are welcoming spring with open arms and open windows, I sink lower and lower emotionally. Maybe it's a seasonal allergy I have yet to pinpoint. Maybe it's that my creativity goes into overdrive and doesn't keep pace with the realities of budget, time, or personal skill. My husband is the one with roots; I have wings, and every year I just want to fly the coop if I can't change everything that bothers me about it.
For example, I hate my family room. But it doesn't bother anyone else around here. It embarrasses the heck out of me, so I spend as little time as possible there as I can. Translates: I don't spend time with Paul watching TV (his nightly habit) because I can't stand the look of the broken Queen Anne TV armoire that we bought FIFTEEN YEARS AGO!!! (It wasn't broken then, but it's beyond repair even for my live-in Mr. Fix It.) The sliding glass door tracks are breeding ground for mold and mildew. I could take bleach to them I guess, and exacerbate this cough I've now had for over a month. The carpet is stained badly. The end tables are a hodge podge that scream Glorified Dorm Room. And yet I'm told in every book of excellent wifery (if that's a word) not to tell my husband because it makes him feel like he's not providing well.
Which he is. Very well, just not in every department that I care about. And if you can't be intimate about external things, then how can you pour out your heart about internal woes?
I am having difficulty with certain relationships which I shall keep private, but which I care too much about to ignore.
I have been diligent in God's word but haven't exactly had insights popping off the page like they did last year. Music is irritating me. Same old same old. Only a few songs touch me; the rest grate on my nerves, they are so over-sung. Mainly on the radio. I long to write music but I have only written one in my whole life.
The things I've advertised on Ebay that I wish would sell aren't, and the things I secretly want to hang onto are being scooped up at a price I kick myself for starting at. (Lousy sentence there, but who cares?) I have rarely had buyer's remorse, but seller's remorse is killing me internally. Why do I cling to pieces of fabric that once clothed my girl when she was little?
Of course this post is riddled with "I", "I" and more "I." How dreadful is that?
God bring me the grace to lift me up out of this mini-depression before it's full-blown.
6 comments:
Oops. I just sent you some music to listen to. Please don't click on the link if you fear it'll irritate you! That wasn't in the least my intention. I'm sorry.
Please write some music for me. I would love that, if you believe I would be worthy.
(writing a much less trivial comment right away!)
My dearest friend. I understand your need for a hospitable family room. What woman would not? While not everyone (or in that case, sadly, no one) may fathom how important that may be, for the sake of the family unit, they will most certainly realize it once certain changes are brought about.
I understand, though, your wifely (?) concern of not wishing to appear like you're complaining to your husband.
Could there be a way to gently make him realize that the role of the mater familias is also to provide a hospitable, beautiful interior for her family? Without it implying in the least that he may be responsible for the room being what it is. (I believe only time is!)
Many men (and kids, too, obviously) won't realize the importance of an interior that reflects you - your family, tastes, inner soul.
I am not sure my humble experience is worth much. I am young and inexperienced, have had a home for only a few years, and have had at most a 150-square-feet flat to deal with. Which is an advantage, in some respect!
Sébastien has very little demands when it comes to decorating. If the flat was only his, you'd have bare, white rooms, with a couple of Aboriginal paintings on the walls as sole decoration. (If it was was only mine, it'll be overflowing with doilies and lacy curtains!) While I am careful to respect his quintessential simplicity, I have also come to try and mitigate it over the years. He is the first one to acknowledge the advantage of having a cozy home to welcome people in - starting with us.
Your room, as you describe it, appears as a crucial spot for your family unit - and unity.
I do not believe your wish for a more welcoming room is selfish. It is your urge as a wife and mother to create the ideal nest for your husband and kids. You feel compelled to do so, even though they may not sense straight off that there is much more than a materialistic concern to this.
I am not sure to what extent that would be easily achievable, but how about taking baby steps towards redecorating the room? If one change works well and is appreciated, then try and bring about another? Little by little... Taking one pet peeve at a time.
But who am I to give advice. I so want to help you, my friend, but then, I am so inexperienced.
About the stained carpet - could it be possible to create a quilt that may serve as a rug, and cover up the stain? (I don't know whether you allow shoes into the family room). You could use strong, upholstery fabrics for a long-lasting kind of rug. I'm sure I saw a tutorial for this on the Internet; would you like me to search this for you?
~~~
I am so sorry about the bad experience on Ebay. That is tough. Are there any yard sales in your neighbourhood? It's easier to fix a relatively good price there, isn't it? (there's no starting bid).
I wish I were there to give you a good tight hug.
(((((Zoanna)))))
Praying for you!
Praying for you, Zoanna!
I so appreciate your honest post. I feel this way often. Not with the homemaking parts (well sometimes I do if I watch too much HGTV and grow discontent) but with the feeling out of sorts part and mini-depression. My health, my job, the dishes, need to do this and that, wanting to change this and that, but it is out of my control, and on and on the list goes...
My humble advice is to just take a break and rest. Spend some time with the Savior. Have Him quiet your heart. "Be still and know that I am God"... once you do that, everything else will fall into place. I am praying for you.
Praying for you!
Zoanna, I have been in that spot too and I will pray for you. I have learned over time that when my emotions get me down, to talk truth to myself. It will get better over time, and God is faithful. It doesn't FEEL like it right now, so you have to wait for the feelings to match God's truth. And while you wait, tell yourself about God's goodness to you, his provision for you, his care for you. Then thank him for all that stuff you don't like, give it over to Him and wait and see what He will do with it. He is able to bring the deals if it's His will. He can cause you to come across the perfect free TV stand if He so chooses. So for now, since He hasn't deemed it best for you, you have to trust Him and WAIT.
You are right, you and I have much in common. I have gone through this "phase" many a time. Thanks for being so honest. Hugs to you! And I'll be praying that God suprises you with resolving one of these problems in a way much better than you can even imagine.
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