Being Emptied, Part 2

As I closed my eyes in prayer, God gave me a vision in preparation for this cathartic, healing, redemptive act about to take me from mourning to rejoicing. The vision was that of a checklist on a large projection screen under bright lights in a dark room. The only viewers were God and me. The lefthand column contained a list of my own idols--substitutes for loving God with all my heart and soul. This list of idols could have been titled "What I Have Been Trying to Find Satisfying." He showed me relationships, objects, gifts, talents, memories, hobbies, activities, and plans. Things that, honestly, I do find satisfying... for awhile. (And if it edifies someone else, even for awhile, I justify, then it's okay.) Then I'm on to something else. Or I'm angry that whatever or whoever I was putting so much effort into when they disappointed me. Worst of all --in my book--I don't deserve to be disappointed over and over.


On the righthand side of the screen were the words "or Me?" and was accompanied by a voice I recognized as God's. My eyes would scan the list one by one. It wasn't that each of the things in my list was wrong of itself. For example, "Paul? ....................or Me?" I knew He wasn't asking me to give Paul up, but give up expecting him to fulfill me as only my Eternal Husband can.
"The kids?.........or Me?" Could I still bless God if He took one of them from me? I love them, Lord, but I do love You more. "The house?......or Me?" Dear Jesus, I love my house, it's my home, but I'd rather have You! "Art? Shopping? Food?.....or Me?" Take them all, dear God, but don't take Your Spirit from me. I can handle anything as long as I have you!"


This encounter reminded me of one Jesus had with Peter a couple thousand years ago. "Do you love Me more than these?"

The list on my screen was short because God is merciful. Yet it seemed incredibly long to me. And really, really ugly. Really, really offensive. I hate to admit it, but seldom do I realize how my own sin (not the sin of "the world" or of "other people") repulses God. Seldom do I genuinely confess that my sin alone was enough to drive nails through Jesus's hands and cause God to turn His face from His own dear Son. Sure, I hear about it all the time, but sadly it's often close to being another churchy cliche' when it lands on my ears. Our pastors do a wonderful job of emphasizing both personal sin and the mercy of God, but honestly I'm quick to skim over the former to get to the latter.

This time was different. This time I didn't try to rename my sins or classify them as being "big" or "little," or "against others"or "against God" in my usual effort to minimize their impact on me. No, this time God let me feel a tiny bit of the impact sin had--and has-- on Him. If this tiny bit of the whole of my sin--one person's!--feels like a crushing tsunami, I can't bear to think what all of my sin did to Jesus. I can't bear it, I can not bear it; that's true. Jesus bore it. Only He could. It's too great for a human. At least God keeps His face toward me. He turned it away from Jesus on the cross. I've never known what it's like to have God's back toward me. He resists my pride, yes, but he never forsakes me.

After what was probably just a few minutes of meditating and grieving, I asked God's forgiveness for the idolatry I had seen on that "screen." In an instant my shame was gone. I was forgiven.

I felt a new rush of water. This one wasn't salty and crushing like a tsunami. It was fresh and uplifting. Suddenly I was transported from a dark room to a river raft, dangling my bare feet over the sides into cool water under a summer sun. Ahh, refreshing. I was free. I was in love again with my sweet Jesus. Rejoicing, I fell asleep in peace.

Thank You, God, for Your mercy. Thank you for revealing what I needed to see and then forgiving me of it.