I'm in a slump and I've been here for a very long time. I'm miserable, actually. Yesterday my husband asked what my goals are. I have none. Me without goals, I know. Strange. I have tried and failed so many times I am on the brink of giving up with my goals--weight loss, housekeeping, you name it.
I want to know where I fit in, what I'm supposed to be doing, and whether anyone gives a crap.
The teaching job didn't materialize. The school can't afford to hire me. They have given the art class(es) to someone who is already hired to teach other classes as well. So ,for the first time since 1993, this August I am not planning any lessons or field trips. I'm not updating my professional wardrobe. I'm not emailing parents about school supplies lists.
I'm not excited about much of anything. I feel like I'm just observing everyone else enjoying new things or relationships.
I'm lost. I feel utterly out of my element. I have always worn the mantle of teacher and loved it, whether it was a homeschooling teacher or a classroom teacher. I help my husband teach once a month a church (3rd and 4th grade class, combined), but that's it. While I enjoy it, I'm not satisfied. I think I feel like a golden retriever without anything to fetch. I'm listless and looking for purpose. Being Suzy Homemaker doesn't cut it for me. I can only declutter and clean so much before I find myself saying, "This is dull-- and besides, who cares?? Really ,would anyone's life be that much better if my house were spotless?" I cook well enough to satisfy stomachs. I keep laundry pretty much done or in varying states of doneness.
But that stuff doesn't bring me the kind of high that planning lessons does. I love studying history and relating it to geography and art and Bible all at the same time. I love seeing what kids create with pen and paper or paint and canvas. I love having a little stack of tests to grade, especially the essays where they come up with some really clever answers. I enjoy helping kids learn new skills. I love the discussions about presidents and artists and entrepreneurs. My heart gravitates to the academic environment and all things school, sans math. (Math and I had a fling a 9-month fling called Geometry class back in the day; he was the one exception to my "math gives me cooties" motto. One math teacher friend burst my bubble when she declared, "Well, geometry is not real math." What is it, a touched-up, magazine model?)
Anyway, I can't stand this feeling. I have other issues to deal with, issues too private for the internet, but this one I can talk about. This lousy feeling that I'd rather be thriving in heaven than floundering on earth. In some ways I feel like my work on earth is done.
8 comments:
Oh gosh, sending you a hug! You're here, so you're not done yet! Do you have a friend there to talk to? I do think this stage of life (we're similar in where we are I believe although you still have a young one) is tough. What is my purpose now? I have been asking that question a lot too. I don't have words of wisdom but am here if you want to email. I will add you to my prayers today.
To come to a point where we'd rather be thriving in heaven than floundering on earth is a good thing! It sounds as though you are in TRANSITION and God is redefining you and your life! Oh how familiar this is and how unnerving with threatening high anxieties!!! I'm experiencing your same questions (without the same specifics of course)! Surely your work is not done! It sounds like lifestyle is being rearranged, but that has propensity for adventure! Wait on God to see what He will do!!! He loves us, Zoanna!
Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God! 1 John 3:1
Show me Your ways, O LORD;
Teach me Your paths.
Lead me in Your truth and teach me,
For You are the God of my salvation;
On You I wait all the day. Psalm 25:4,5
For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6
Ooooh...I wish I could help you! When I retired from teaching, I felt like I was in a waste-land--all my energy had been poured into teaching for so long, and now what? God has the answer to the "now what?", so don't give into that lost feeling. Prayers are with you.
I know God will show you where He wants you to use those gifts he gave you. You get energized by teaching because God gave you the gifts needed to be a teacher. Perhaps a twist on the saying "When the gift giver is ready, the student will appear."
I'm praying for you, Zo. It's 1:19 am. I have insomnia. and I am glad I caught up on my blog reading so that I could see this post and pray.
Thank you all. I do appreciate all your prayers and encouragement. I had all these visions of what life at 45 was supposed to be like, and it's not. My son Steve keeps having a vision of me being a counselor to women in crisis pregnancies. I was doing that as a volunteer when I conceived him, and I was petrified to tell anyone of my third baby in four years. It's something I'm considering and praying about.
Reminds me of the Pastor's message Sunday night. Aim for the mountain not the rocking chair. God has a plan for each one of us, just may not be the same as our plans. Trust in Him and He will show you the way to the mountain.
The mind of man plans his way,
But the LORD directs his steps.
Proverbs 16:9
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