I can't tell you how often I have this inner wrangling about how good my life and circumstances are versus the lives and circumstances of so many other people. I also wrangle with contentment. Sometimes I love stuff, sometimes I just want to throw it all away and keep what I need for today. Often I wrangle with wanting newer updated things for the home in the name of hospitality, only to realize that I have spiritualized my cravings for the twin idols of beauty and order as I define them.
Such has been the case for the past two weeks. Having been caring for sick family members or getting sick myself over a week ago, I've had a lot of "down" time to read, watch TV, play and work on the computer, think, and pray--all the things to contribute to the exercise of soul-searching. I've found myself whining and giving thanks within the same five-minute span.
Last night I watched the Oprah Winfrey special on the opening of her new Leadership Academy for Girls in South Africa. Oh, the tears that flowed as I watched these girls and heard their stories.One girl gets up at 4 a.m. every day to walk to the school bus ,through a very dangerous community where men and young guys slur sexual comments and threats at her. One girl lives in a shack no bigger than my son's bedroom with her grandmother and younger brother. The place has no electricity and no running water. How often have I complained, when seeing my neighbors remodeling their bathrooms, that I, too, would like to bring our master bathroom out of the 80s? One girl said sometimes her family eats just one meal a week--a week!--and drinks only water they've carried from afar. I complain that I hate to grocery shop because there are too many decisions to make and it's drudgery to put the food in the cart/put it on the belt/pack it or have it packed/pay for it/load it into the van/unload it to the house/load it to the fridge.
Never mind that I have five different grocery stores within a five-mile radius to choose from. Never mind that I have a van whose doors open with a remote push-button gadget--and close the same way! Never mind that I have never, ever wanted for food in my life.
Sometimes I find myself giddy with excitement when planning our next project. Paul is a capable handyman and can tackle almost anything he puts his mind to. He is a careful planner and budgeter, so our projects don't run away with our wallets. I am the dreamer and I can get lost in magazines and catalogs that show the kind of interiors that I think would make me comfy. Then, at other times, I look around and say, "Father God, is it a sin to say I feel too blessed materially? Why do I live in suburban America anyway? Is this any place to suffer? Can I really share in your sufferings here?" He has drawn my lines in such pleasant places, what can I say?
Sure, in my past I've known poverty, but I've always felt blessed. Even in college when I had a city apartment without a kitchen and did dishes in the bathtub and cooked macaroni and cheese on a 2-burner hot plate, I still felt privileged to have a place of my own and an income to afford my half of a $220/month rent. I still felt very privileged to be going to college at all.
As a preacher's kid in rural Kansas, we were poor as the sand on the town streets, but did I know it? No. The church and community were so generous with us; we always had a full pantry and invitations to lunch by Stella Moore or Marion and Lola Steinmetz. (The two most hospitable people in town were Stella and Marion, who were sister and brother. I would have loved to known their parents! Talk about leaving a legacy of hospitality! Just as a sidenote, Marion's affectionate name for Lola was "Katrina." It was hard for me in 2005 to hear "Katrina" and think of it negatively.)
I remember the days when family vacations were few and far between. My favorite one of all time, growing up, was the summer we went to Colorado for a week. Again, we couldn't afford it on a clergyman's salary, but a wealthy and generous lady named Sara gave Daddy $200 to take his wife and (then) three girls on vacation. We rode horses through Estes Park and ate those little Kellogg's one-serving cereals for breakfast while camping . I was too young and naive to realize that this vacation cost money. It wasn't until I was in my 30s that I found out who funded the trip. My sister told me. The next trip I took to Kansas I thanked Sara, as best as I could through my choked-up words and salty tears. She didn't remember having done that. It's so like her. But to this day, when someone mentions Colorado or I see those midget cereal boxes, I am inspired to make life a little more comfortable for someone else.
My wrangling always ends in praise; I don't want to give the impression I am sorry for what I have. God decides and it's up to me how to respond. It's just that, in my human wisdom, I want everyone to have it as good as I do.
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus, how I've proved Him o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus, oh for grace to love Him more!
4 comments:
Contentment is being thankful and grateful for all the blessings and things we Do have and focusing on those versus what we lack. I think there are many people with less than us feeling very content and blessed and happy with what they have...be it ever so modest. I think that is a big secret to being happy in life is being grateful for all that we do have and what all that we don't have or lack is teaching us and making us the person we are. I know for me this year I have really been trying to take negatives and turn them into positives. What went wrong what I lack and then looking at what I have learned how I have grown and how those lacks have made me a better person. Then I am grateful even fo that which I don't have. Okay I am talking in circles now. Loved this post of yours and the reminder.
Thanks for this post, Zoanna! It was really good for me to hear.
Thanks for your post Zoanna. It was encouraging and also helped put my trials in perspective. Thanks for the refocus. Let me also put a spin on it.
In the past I have spoken to some international pastors from Africa and India. I had heard how they were praying for us. I was touched by this and asked what specifically they were praying for. I learned that they were praying for us because we have so many things to distract us from the Lord. They have so very few distractions and therefore have a much deeper dependence on the Lord for their basic needs. We don't know what it is like to be hungry, to depend on the Lord for our next meal. They pray for us because they know how easy it would be for us to struggle with self-sufficiency and to be more distracted with what this world has to offer.
They are in poverty, but can see how in our abundance we could lose sight of our need for a Savior on a daily/hourly basis. I was touched by how they really had eyes for heaven. Many times we have eyes for worldly things. They showed me that they are the richer ones. They are praying for us because they are concerned that all of our "abundance" will distract us from the Savior, and usually it does. I thanked them for their prayers and asked them to please keep praying.
I've often struggled with the guilt of owning so much, when so much of the world has so little. Many times I've been tempted to "dump" it all and live with the bare necessities. Then other times I struggle with materialism! What a great reminder you posted.
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