Bipolar disorder is such an ugly thing. I think I have it. From the research I've done, it certainly points to such a diagnosis. From my life experiences, ditto. In the doctor's office yesterday, while I was waiting for her to see me, I was reading a poster that lists the differences between depression and bipolar. The main difference is that depression only has "one pole," so to speak. South. Low.Down. Bipolar has the 2 opposite extremes, North and South, mania and depression, high and low.
The doctor came in and gave all good reports, as I said in my last post. Then she asked me how the medicine is.
"It's been a real grace from God," I said. "Sometimes I try to go off of it when I'm feeling good and stable, but Day one I am headachey and lethargic, Day 2 I am irritable and short-tempered, and my Day 3 I am in the dark."
"Don't try to go off it," she advised gently but firmly, with her beautiful deep blue eyes listening along with her eyes. "Stay on it. It's not a want-to, it's a have-to."
I went on medicine for depression 2 years ago, and my life has been amazingly more bearable.
Spring used to bottom me out emotionally. I hated Mother's Day. Didn't like the daughter I was or the mother I was. I still don't like the day because it smacks of all the things I'm doing wrong, but I have to quickly catch that Satan loves Mother's Day. He loves to taunt, accuse, lie, badger, and condemn us. Very little comfort from the pulpit penetrates my breaking heart. Nothing kind my kids can say on that day makes up for the times I've failed them. The appreciation I expect is just that: expected, so if I don't get it, I fall into self-pity . I start rehashing my laundry list of what they should thank me for, which absolutely includes the laundry!!!
So I am in that pre-Mother's Day cycle where bipolar takes an ugly turn. I have the hardest time forgiving others in the spring. Hard time handling stress. Feeling alone. You'd think it'd be Christmas, but no, it's not. It's April. It's May. It's when everything is blooming but my heart . When the ground outside is opening up, but the ground of my feelings gets crustier.
The doctor asked how the medicine is working. It's a very low dose daily that I take. I'm seldom high, but seldom low either .Except today. I am low today. Not as low as I used to be pre-med ,but like I just want to curl up into fetal position in a dark room and shut out the world and all its ugliness. The trouble is I can't bury my heart of darkness. Can't shut out the feelings of guilt, shame, can't make myself do better, try harder. When I'm in the manic phase, I am very talkative (personality on overload) ,hospitable, party girl, initiator of lots of stuff, coordinator/take charge gal, social butterfly, creative in the kitchen, decorator, everything strikes me funny, and I need maybe 4 hours sleep but then I'm ready to roll with all the ideas that have buzzed in my awake time.
However, when I'm going south, I need all the prayers of the saints and Jesus combined. Not only do I not concentrate well or make decisions well, my mind is a mine field. I either feel helpless, hopeless, and ashamed, or volatile, hyperactive, and out of control. Nothing's funny.
Well, my passport just came. That brings me up a little. Someone's praying.
There. I have opened myself up. You may judge me, you may thank me, but one thing's for sure: you can't say I don't realize what a nut case I am! So don't go praising me for all the initiative and hospitality or whatever you like and wish you might have more of, without realizing that God is gracing me with mania sometimes! He also is sustaining me when I just want to return from whence I came.
3 comments:
Zo, I will keep you in my prayers. Thank you for humbly bearing your soul. Please know that you are not alone.
I have struggled with depression on and off for years and I know countless other women who have struggled with depression and/or mania for years as well.
What makes it worse is the stigma that comes with it. Many people don't understand and judge. I have had people say really harsh things to me about medications that they thought they were saying in love.
I sought out counsel and accountability from my pastor, ladies in the church and my family. Sometimes it really is just a chemical imbalance.
It was important for me to have loved ones near by to challenge me with my thoughts when they got crazy and to read the Word to remind me of what the truth is.
But I will offer no advice only to say, I will pray for you and if you need a friend... you now have my email address...
I certainly can't say I understand how you feel, but I can say I'm praying for you. I know what it's like to try to support someone who has at times severe depression (though not bi-polar) as my mom and Josh's mom struggle with depression in very different ways but certainly for understandable reasons.
That's great that your meds stabalize you, that's a blessing from the Lord in my opinion. I'll be praying for you this spring and mother's day.
I will ditto with Danielle that your medicine's are a blessing. You are in my thoughts and prayers. We missed you yesterday at the little Birthday party. Hope that you feel better soon.
Post a Comment