Tuesday, May 04, 2010
My 1000th Post, or A Commentary on the Art of Subtle Self-Absorption
Well, here it is, my 1000th post. Somehow I thought I'd have something eloquent or witty or poignant to say.
But I don't. The only thing I keep thinking is, "What a windbag you are, Zo. What a windbag. You need Overbloggers Anonymous."
This 1000th post is actually rather anti-climactic. I have tried hard to come up with something at least a bit commemorative at this juncture. But nope. Zero. Zilch. Nada.
Ever notice how, the harder you try to "be," the harder it is to "be"?
I've been trying too hard at a lot of things lately, except for the things that matter most. I don't try hard enough to love the unlovely, to sacrifice without wanting appreciation, to serve without being noticed, to work without always expecting some little reward. I even wanted a whole social network to care about the stupidest little things in my world. . Enough already. Give me a break from my self-absorption!
But until that break comes, I am wondering at Post 1000, just what I should blog about in the future, and what I should just keep to myself?
If I make this blog all positive, I catch flack from my kids that I'm putting on airs. (They're all about keepin' it real.) If I occasionally vent or rant, I run the risk of offending people I don't even know; it's bad enough that I'm good at offending people I do know and can see! Besides, "a fool gives vent to all his emotions," says the writer of Proverbs. If I show pictures of my creations or home improvements, is it bragging? If I tell of my children's successes, is that a way of patting myself on the back?
Blogging, by nature, is a self-absorbing activity, is it not? I mean, if I posted pictures of the kitchen chairs I just painted, would you "ooh" and "aah" in my comment box? Self-absorption. How about if I wrote a poem or an article? Would I post it for your approval in the name of wanting to "encourage" you? I am so aware of my thoughts--and yet so unaware of my heart because it's deceptive--that I cannot get away from the fact that "everything I do is tainted through with sin," in some way.
I've now written and deleted several things . It all sounds so petty and...well, self-absorbed.
Right now I am actively rowing the Titanic. My arms are just about worn out from trying to avoid hitting an iceberg in my personal life. God has given me the grace to call "May Day! May Day!" (and no, that is not an intended pun, believe it or not, given this is a day in May). I thank Him that He is the Captain, the Anchor, the Ocean, and the Lifeboat. He's all that and more!
In the future, I want to make more of Him and less of me.
But I might just slip up and sort-of nonchalantly post a picture of self-absorbed me and simply spit out the question, "So, how do you like my hair?"