This is What I Want

I want to fall in love with Jesus all over again. Don't get me wrong, I love Jesus. I do. He has forgiven me of all my sins, He has written my name in his Book of Life, and nothing can separate me from His love; I have His Word on it (Romans 8:39).

But something's been missing for far too long.

With few exceptions, I have been blase' and apathetic, content with status quo. I've had moments here and there when my heart surges with gratitude, when my mind can't take in any more of His majesty, or when I am just ready to be done with this life and enter the next with Him, forever.

But I want so much more.

I want to wake up with Him on my mind. Not wake up thinking of my aches, pains, plans, fears, or worries.

I want to journal eagerly every whisper I hear from Him. It's been a long time since I felt the nearness of His voice.

I want to hang around people who are in love with Him, who are asking, "What's God been doing in your life lately? What are you studying? What miracles or answers to prayer has he shown you?" And I don't just mean on scheduled every-other Wednesdays. While I'm grateful for those times, I long for the kind of fellowship I once experienced nearly every time the phone rang. The phone just doesn't ring that often, and I don't use it much for fellowship, either. I miss the telephone. There is a rich fellowship that can only be shared when humans talk. Not type.Not text. Talk.

I long for my Sundays to consist of meaningful content outside the music and the pulpit. I used to wish it would come from other people "off-stage"--in the ladies' room, the nursery, the Sunday School class, the hall. You know, people with fire-hot love for Jesus, who radiate light and heat.

Now I want to be that person. Or rather, be that person once again. There was a time when I was the radiant, fire-hot, zealous, eager disciple of Jesus Christ who couldn't get enough of the Bible, made every effort to talk about Him with fellow Christians, and who felt a deep sadness for people who neither had nor wanted a relationship with Christ.

I am not there yet. I am still in the wanting-to-want-it stage.

This morning I was singing a certain line over and over from Psalm 51:12

Restore to me the joy of my salvation...

I hunger and thirst for more of Him.