Sad

A cloud of sadness hovers over me.

She said she wants to leave
For a short time
To serve God
Out of state
This summer.

She wants our permission
and our blessing. She won't
go without it, she says, beautifully
submitted.

Her dad, at first, balked.
Then prayed
Analyzed
Researched
and finally,
gave his blessing.

Now it's up to me.

I try to pray about it. But I cry instead.
I reach for the phone to ask for counsel,
but the lump in my throat chokes out
words.
Tears fall like spring rain
Whenever I think of
My daughter
Not being here.

No, no, no,
Says my selfish heart.
You can't go.
I love you too much.
You're daily sunshine here
in our home.

God can use you here.
He has, He is, He will.

I try to remember when I was
19.
I left home for a summer.
For all the wrong reasons.
It wasn't to do God's will.
I didn't ask for a blessing.
I hit rock bottom, but it was there
I found the Rock.

But I never went back home again
for very long.
I had detached.
Changed.
Grown up in a sense.

So is this about her
or me?
Do I want God's answer?
Not yet.
So I don't seek it.

I'm too
sad.