Thursday, January 08, 2009

Sad

A cloud of sadness hovers over me.

She said she wants to leave
For a short time
To serve God
Out of state
This summer.

She wants our permission
and our blessing. She won't
go without it, she says, beautifully
submitted.

Her dad, at first, balked.
Then prayed
Analyzed
Researched
and finally,
gave his blessing.

Now it's up to me.

I try to pray about it. But I cry instead.
I reach for the phone to ask for counsel,
but the lump in my throat chokes out
words.
Tears fall like spring rain
Whenever I think of
My daughter
Not being here.

No, no, no,
Says my selfish heart.
You can't go.
I love you too much.
You're daily sunshine here
in our home.

God can use you here.
He has, He is, He will.

I try to remember when I was
19.
I left home for a summer.
For all the wrong reasons.
It wasn't to do God's will.
I didn't ask for a blessing.
I hit rock bottom, but it was there
I found the Rock.

But I never went back home again
for very long.
I had detached.
Changed.
Grown up in a sense.

So is this about her
or me?
Do I want God's answer?
Not yet.
So I don't seek it.

I'm too
sad.

5 comments:

Toby & Kelly said...

I'm praying for you. I have every confidence in you - the Lord will have His way in both your lives.

Amy said...

*hugs*

Laurie said...

I'm praying for you too, Zo. it is sad, and it is good at the same time.

Karen said...

oh sweetie. I am praying for you and sarah now as well.

Laurie Lynn said...

Oh, I know the tearing and the breaking. I do know. It is yet another part of motherhood we're not prepared for. We're surprised by the extent of love for our children and wondering how we raise them to grow up and become more independent (and more God-dependent)at the same time wanting them to stay close, continue the daily sunshine we've become accustomed to...oh, I know.
And yet watching our children grow and blossom and submit to God is a bittersweet (but mostly sweet) blessing.
Is this about her or you...?
It's about her.
And it's about you.
It's okay to be sad.
It's okay to let tears flow.
Surely the sadness will turn into acceptance then as you wait and watch, joy will replace sadness and your walk with God will have a new dimension of depth and your daughter's walk with God will also. Yeah, that's what we want, without the sadness.
Love and prayer. Laurie Lynn