Friday, March 06, 2009

A Psalm of Grief

Death has come
and is coming
for parents of sisters
and brothers I love.


Most of my children
don't need me anymore.
My husband deserves
a better wife.


I want to retreat,
to curl up like a baby in
her Father's arms
and hear Him sing over me,
and let me cry,
cry hard. till the rivers of grief
that flood my soul
flood my pillow instead.


I keep holding back my
tears.
I hate feeling weak.
Jesus loves me, this I know,
for the Bible tells me so.
Tell me again, Jesus, tell me
You love me
and You are strong.

I don't need to be needed.
I want to be needed
and cherished
and to feel what it is
to be free of
grief.


Abba, Daddy, hold me.

7 comments:

Laurie Lynn said...

Oh. Yes. You did post this.
A beautiful understandable poem.
Grief seems to be a theme for me too. And a theme that draws us to the Father as we cry, Abba, Daddy!
Praying for that lovliest of spiritual hugs in the Spirit!

Laurie Lynn said...

"Till my frozen tears fall at Your feet"

laurie said...

very poignant, Zoanna. thank you for your vulnerability. It helps me understand a little bit better - a transition i will one day make in a very short period of time (my kids being so close in age, i do every transition abruptly).

Zoanna said...

LL- I had posted it, then thought it sounded like a pity party (which it partly is) and since I hadn't received the comfort that might uplift a reader, I withdrew the post. Then I thought, "Well, goodness sakes, David didn't withdraw all HIS psalms-from-the-pit poems, either. God saw fit to include them, as well as to inpsire ones where he talked to his soul. "Why so downcast?....put your hope in God." So I posted, then meditated on the goodness of God, reminding my soul it's good to grieve in a godly way. I also know that when i read only 'upbeat and positive' stuff from women , or blog posts that seem to be a neat and tidy devotional time after time where things get resolved like the issues of a sitcom, I find myself wondering, "What's wrong with me?"
Or, "am I wrogn to post my vulnerabilities, my negative feelings, before they are changed?" What I have concluded is that, if I am talking to God and He is talking to me, and I am not just venting to "get it off my chest," it's okay. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Laurie Lynn said...

No correction needed, Zoanna.
Even a little "venting" is not wrong if like the Psalmists, we eventually conclude that God is good and Sovereign!
I think honest vulnerability is a good thing. It is a temptation to clean-up, dress-up or positivize (I think that's a made-up word) our thoughts and feelings too often and not be as honest as we should (whether writing blog posts or sharing w/ other believers). Sometimes getting those feelings into words can help get us back on track or simply remind us AND let others know we are human... God is God! The "psalms-from-the-pit poems" are actually refreshing in their honesty and what a gift that gaze us words and language to help us express.

Laurie Lynn said...

Should read, "God gave us words and language to help us express",
He gave us brains, fingers and keyboards too, but I can't always get these to work together!

zz said...

Scary thing is I knew exactly what 'gaze us words to ...express ourselves" meant.