True confession: I'm angry as I write this. I gained weight this week, not lost. I messed up my 2 pounds a week average. If it weren't for Karen who would surely be asking me how I did, I wouldn't be admitting it. Oh, I knew it hadn't been a stellar week, but I thought I'd be down a smidge. Guess last week was mercy and this week was justice.
What I'm most angry at is myself for not sticking with the self-discipline I know it takes. I didn't think I was a glutton this week (haven't been for two months) but I didn't track my "spending," so to speak, nor did I sweat much. Did the prayer walk on Monday night and the treadmill once, but that's not enough. I will not make excuses for being a woman, but that had to have been a slight factor, although I've been a woman for the last eight weeks without it hurting my plan.
The other thing I'm angry about is the popping of my bubble, the one that's in my mind and heart. I had a couple people compliment my weight loss this morning at the park (thanks, friends) and was feeling happy. Then I went to Weight Watcher's, and the lady who weighed me in told me I was up 1.4 pounds. I wanted to cry, but instead got angry with myself. I know my husband won't want to hear this; he already isn't fond of the notion of paying to lose weight when you know how to do it on your own. The kicker is I know how, but I need the accountability. If it was only about knowledge, I wouldn't be where I am. Not only did the lady tell me I was up 1.4, she proceeded to comfort me by telling me it's normal to gain once in a while, and that I am "ahead of the curve" as weight-loss goes. I interrupted, "Well, maybe according to "the program" I am, but MY personal goal is 100 pounds in a year or 2 poudns a week average. This does NOT fit into my plan and it feels like a waste of money to come here and show a gain." She then of course asked, "Well, where would you be if you hadn't come?"
Well, truthfully, (I only thought this but didn't say it,)" I would be home preparing for house guests this week, thinking I had lost half a pound but happy about my fantasy. And I'd have 12 dollars in my pocket instead of yours."
Speaking of house guests, I am looking forward to having my husband's side of the family in town this weekend. They're coming for the wedding of a nephew and staying part of the time with us. The cousins get along famously, though visits are few and far between. To that end, this morning at the park was a breather from the housework and errands. I was watching a few little kids on the pier next to a rising river (lotsa rain lately). Joel and Iris were the "big kids" and all the rest (3 or 4 of them) were smaller. Only one of the moms was close by, and I was a nervous wreck. At one point, I said, "Kids, I have house guests coming. I don't have a water rescue on my agenda." Joel piped up, "But you're supermom!" To which I laughed and said , "That may be, son, but I still don't want to perform a water rescue today."
Anyway, I could use a rescue from this pit of anger I'm in at the moment.
PS My modem is down; I'm writing this from the library and don't know when I'll be back online.