Feeling Blue, not in the Pink: Help for Depressed Mommies

For all the moms reading this blog who've been hit by postpartum depression, I'd like to encourage you in the trenches from one who's been there. Maybe you're doing just fine since the wee one (or two) made their entry into the real world, but from talking candidly with so many mothers of infants, I know that having a baby, despite its many blessings and reasons to give thanks, comes with its fair share of crying (not just the baby's!), anger, fatigue, sense of purposelessness, guilt (which is the most recurrent), and a nagging question,"Will I ever feel good /whole/better again?"

These feelings apply to anyone in depression, but for the purpose of being specifically helpful to moms with babies, may I offer you some Hope from the Been-There- Felt-like-That friend here in Maryland? Here goes:

Postpartum was very depressing two out of my four times. After my
second child, a girl, came 13 months after my first, a boy, people told me I had "the perfect family--one of each." I never understood how that equates with "perfect" but I was glad to have both. But Sarah was colicky, Ben was jealous, Paul was impatient (he, too,
was overly tired, but unlike me, had to get up and go to work). I was jealous
that he got to go to work--got to go somewhere and get adult conversation and a break from crying, diapers, and nursing (as if men know what it's like to give your boobs to someone else from the day you say "I do" till the day you croak. Heck, even now at age 42, my boobs are still not just "mine"; the doctor ordered me a mammogram. This is my theme song, "Thanks for the Mammaries." ).

Or, maybe you're not nursing; I shouldn't assume. Maybe that's a sore spot (no pun intended). Nursing that's going well takes a lot of calories and time. Nursing that's not going well, or just doing the bottle thing takes energy and time. Everything takes time, time, time,doesn't it! And you think, "But how? How can such a tiny person be so demanding of my time
and energy??? How?"

If you are a real go-getter, type A person (which I wasn't, I am still only a B+ or C+ depending on hormones) who was used to checking things off your to-do list, and sometimes that is the hardest reality, that though you've been busy all day, you feel like there's nothing to show for it and baby is still demanding at the end of the day, and then there's guilt, oh my
goodness, that's an invention from hell, ain't it??--from the day a gal finds
out she's gonna be a mommy, her head becomes a travel agent for guilt trips.

Those run-on sentences on purpose because that is how life is
for a mom. Run on. Run over . Run down. Running on empty.

But let me tell you the good news, and I truly, truly hope you take this in the spirit in which I give it--not with pat answers or Christianese or sounding like one more spiritual platitude, but with everything in me I know this is helpful no matter what.

I would encourage to take a pen or sit at your computer (or toilet or rocker) or somewhere you can think, and list 21 things, not just 10, that you are thankful for. Ten is just getting started; 21 will lift you even higher, I am sure. It's easier to complain: "Ack! I just had a haircut and it needs it again!" or "My shirt always smells like breastmilk," or "Can't wait till hubby gets home. I need to see two more arms and legs," or "Laundry, laundry, laundry!"I remember having to list things like, "I'm thankful my hair is thicker," "I'm thankful I fill out a bra better," "I'm thankful Paul comes home every night to me," "I'm thankful for a washing machine."

But I am not here to give you fast formulas or shortcuts to feeling good. Just accept that motherhood is entry into patience. There is no way to learn to slow down and be in the
moment than to slow down and be in the moment. Babies force us to do that.
Force us! But we are supposed to be in control, aren't we? Heehehehehehe,
not so fast. I think God gives babies the steering wheel for a few months
and momma and daddy just hang on for the ride. Most days it feels like
you're just getting on and off the same exit ramp, reading the same road
signs, while everyone else has a destination and don't even stop for gas.
Meanwhile your baby is full of gas and going nowhere...Okay, I'lll stop with
the corny analogy.

However, hormones do have quite the power; don't underestimate them. I
want you to promise to talk to me about this. Write me , call me, talk to your doctor (don't worry about the guilt; I was afraid to tell my primary because he knew I was a Christian. He prescribed something in the Valium family that was supposed to take twice a month when I was feeling most angry and depressed, but I refused. I was afraid I'd get hooked on feeling good the druggie way. It wasn't till a couple years ago that I got a non-addicting kind when the depression was life-dominating. If you doctor has kids, they've lived through their own postpartum crud. Do whatever it takes to pour your heart out to someone who's been there.

Yes, pour it out to God, but pour it out to a sister in Christ. Husbands listen, and they may comfort, but they usually just want to fix us. I wanted to say, "No, honey, I'm not a leaky pipe, I'm not a squeaky brake, I'm not a crack in the wall. You can't fix me. Just listen and hold me. Tell me I'm pretty. Tell me you still find me attractive and don't hesitate a second or I won't believe you!" We women need something different than our hubbies can give us in times liek this. (Bless their hearts.)

So talk to me. I am very available most of the time. I'm a night owl and I get up by 7 these days. Of course I won't be there 24/7 because I'm mortal (I won't say need to
sleep, because the "s" word could make you jealous) but all that to say the Lord is always
there. You know that, but you will find Him in the sweet (???) hours of the
morning--you know, the ones you may not have been awake for since the night that got you into this mess--I mean blessing--to beging with!!!

The Lord will be to you what He's never been before. I can't tell you what that is, but HE will.

Let me leave you with the most comforting words I was given at your stage of
motherhood (when I just had one baby):

You are not a perfect mother. He is not a perfect baby.

But you are
the perfect mother for him,

and he is the perfect baby for you.

Kiss and hug your baby a lot. Throw out all the baby advice that's causing you to
live at the corner of Bondage and Guilt. Throw it out! Lean on God. If you
think what He's telling you to do at your wit's end doesn't make sense, just
go for it. I mean, when one of my babies' hineys wouldn't respond to prescription cream, my sister said, "Try a banana peel up against the diaper rash" Sounded
assinine, but it worked. I was like, "God, You think of everything. Nothing's wasted. The banana's good at both ends!"

Hang in there, sisters in sweatpants. Make your 21 list of thankfuls. Be kissy to baby. Sit outside today for a little while (your body need Vitamin D from the sun and your lungs need new air.) Say yes to any and every offer for help. If you think you're being a better mom by saying 'No thanks," people might not offer again. Ask for help. Humble yourself, pick up the phone and call a girlfriend. You'll be glad you did, and she'll sense God's purpose for her today also.