I am in that place again where I feel like a hermit, a talkative hermit with all this stuff to say and all these feelings to process, most of which lately have not been positive. Basically I realize I've accepted the invitation to my own pity party, and as you know, those are not well-attended by other folks. Misery may love company, but company does not love misery!
Like Jacob of the Old Testament, I am wrestling with God over a few things. Things too private for the blog. Hurts, disappointments, breakdowns. I know I won't "win" when I take God to the mat, nor do I want to. Could I trust a God I could beat with my angry words? Could I rest securely in His love if I thought He would leave me if I screamed at Him or if I begged him one more time to please take this thorn from my side? No, I could not, but like Jacob, I'm a wrestler at heart. I want to wrestle some hard questions with God until my strength is gone, my tears soak the pillows, my will is broken, and my heart is rightly aligned again. I want to come to that place of sweet surrender where I say, "Father, I see the good now. I see Your glory on display, not mine. And that's how it should be."
That said, I'm taking a blog break (I'll still be reading others' blogs, but not writing on my own or leaving comments) for an indefinite amount of time. If you're the praying kind, I would appreciate prayers, prayers not for strength, but for surrender of my foolish and false sense of strength.
For some better company, how about reading what other Company Girls are up to?