I am in that place again where I feel like a hermit, a talkative hermit with all this stuff to say and all these feelings to process, most of which lately have not been positive. Basically I realize I've accepted the invitation to my own pity party, and as you know, those are not well-attended by other folks. Misery may love company, but company does not love misery!
Like Jacob of the Old Testament, I am wrestling with God over a few things. Things too private for the blog. Hurts, disappointments, breakdowns. I know I won't "win" when I take God to the mat, nor do I want to. Could I trust a God I could beat with my angry words? Could I rest securely in His love if I thought He would leave me if I screamed at Him or if I begged him one more time to please take this thorn from my side? No, I could not, but like Jacob, I'm a wrestler at heart. I want to wrestle some hard questions with God until my strength is gone, my tears soak the pillows, my will is broken, and my heart is rightly aligned again. I want to come to that place of sweet surrender where I say, "Father, I see the good now. I see Your glory on display, not mine. And that's how it should be."
That said, I'm taking a blog break (I'll still be reading others' blogs, but not writing on my own or leaving comments) for an indefinite amount of time. If you're the praying kind, I would appreciate prayers, prayers not for strength, but for surrender of my foolish and false sense of strength.
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For some better company, how about reading what other Company Girls are up to?
12 comments:
I certainly understand the need to sometimes wrestle to exhaustion. It can be the only way we end up still enough for God to be able to whisper to our souls. Will be praying.
i totally understand the need to take a break to "re-set". usually i have to re-set my life, my house, my expectations of myself and my struggles with adjusting to motherhood. i blog-break (or use pre-written posts) when I need time. I write extra when I have time so I can post prepared things when I need time.
i recommend writing while you're "away" if writing is cathartic to you. I often need to write things out in order to make sense of my thoughts. i often never share those ramblings (because company doesn't love misery - love that!) but it helps me organize my thoughts and come to realizations about what's happening.
we'll be waiting for your return!
Wow, this is a great post! I'm sorry I just now found you, as you're taking a break. I agree, that writing can help us work through the rough times (journaling in private, that is), if we're writing with an open heart and listening, too.
Have a good break and take care of yourself. The blog and everyone else will still be here when you feel ready to come back.
Praying that God will reveal to you what He wants you to hear.
What a well-written post about wrestling with God. I resonate with the passion and find it inspiring in some ways. Though, I know it is not an easy juncture to be at. But I really respect the wrestling it out with God and not avoiding it.
May you sense the healing hand of God during this searching time.
I'll be praying for you! I understand the need to get "away" and do some private wrestling. Please know that you are loved by your online Company Girls and we will miss your wit and wisdom while you are away. Take some time to take care of yourself and...hope you also take the time to simply rest, enjoy, be at peace and savor even the hard stuff if you can. You are so gifted and blessed...I admire your spirit and know that God has good things ahead for you.
Love, Rachel
Thank you for sharing. I pray your wrestling ends well. Hang in there! It will!
I can relate to the wrestling when I want to surrender... It's as though as soon as I begin to surrender, I feel the weight of being "pinned down" by God and again He asks me to trust Him. I KNOW He is my only hope and strength, yet I resist under His weight! How sweet when my own strength is gone and His mercy satisfies. Yes, I'll pray for sweet surrender, dear sister, for you and for me!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOYjNWHiotk
Hoping that you come to a peaceful conclusion..wrestling can be so exhausting. Take care.
Actually, I meant to say resolution...NOT conclusion! :0)
Praying for you, my bloggy friend. I do understand what you are saying and have definitely been there. May I leave you with a couple of verses that have just reassured me of His goodness durning the times I have felt overwhelmed and burdened.
"In the multitude of thoughts within me, Your comfort delights my soul." Psalm 94:19
"The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace." Numbers 6: 24-26
Blessings to you!
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